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"I hate myself
I don't like myself
I don't believe in myself
I'm not a genius."
This is Casper's negativity mantra. Guess where it came from? From the positive mantra the school counselor taught her, just turned around. Greeeeeeeeaaaaaaat.
Casper is attempting to sew shorts for her barbie-sized doll out of a scrap of slippery silk satin left over from my wedding dress, a task I would be doomed to fail at. Boy are we having fun here.
Also, what they hell kind of school counselor teaches a kid a positivity mantra whose last line is, "I'm a genius"? No she's not, and it's not heal;thy to tell her she is.
I don't like myself
I don't believe in myself
I'm not a genius."
This is Casper's negativity mantra. Guess where it came from? From the positive mantra the school counselor taught her, just turned around. Greeeeeeeeaaaaaaat.
Casper is attempting to sew shorts for her barbie-sized doll out of a scrap of slippery silk satin left over from my wedding dress, a task I would be doomed to fail at. Boy are we having fun here.
Also, what they hell kind of school counselor teaches a kid a positivity mantra whose last line is, "I'm a genius"? No she's not, and it's not heal;thy to tell her she is.
Things Need to Change
Sep. 14th, 2010 10:23 amI feel like I have been really struggling lately, and need to make some changes.
1. I have a bottle of my antidepressant in my purse now, so if I didn't take it in the morning, I can take it when I brush my teeth at work.
2. mr. flea agreed to try a radically early bedtime for the kids. They are SO TIRED, and yet we cannot seem to get them to sleep before 9:30 pm (despite starting the going to bed process at 8). And Dillo (like me) wakes up super-early even if he is still tired, and Casper has to get up at 6:45 during the week for school and usually can't sleep in on weekends because Dillo is up. So we're going to start bedtime at 7pm today, brush teeth and jammies and pull the blinds in their room and read stories. Maybe turn the light off and read the last story with a flashlight, to cool them (mostly Dillo) down even further?
3. I really really need to start getting some exercise. I wake up sore and stiff in the night. I need to find a yoga class and GO and to hell with the fact that I have no free time. There is a $5 class on Tuesday nights, but it runs 7-8:30 and that would live mr. flea with solo bedtime two nights in a row, since I work Wednesdays. Really, a Sunday would be ideal. In this town, so many people have flexible schedules that there isn't much yoga available on weekends, so I may have to suck it up and do a $14 class.
Hopefully these three things will help me feel better. Right now I am feeling tired of life.
1. I have a bottle of my antidepressant in my purse now, so if I didn't take it in the morning, I can take it when I brush my teeth at work.
2. mr. flea agreed to try a radically early bedtime for the kids. They are SO TIRED, and yet we cannot seem to get them to sleep before 9:30 pm (despite starting the going to bed process at 8). And Dillo (like me) wakes up super-early even if he is still tired, and Casper has to get up at 6:45 during the week for school and usually can't sleep in on weekends because Dillo is up. So we're going to start bedtime at 7pm today, brush teeth and jammies and pull the blinds in their room and read stories. Maybe turn the light off and read the last story with a flashlight, to cool them (mostly Dillo) down even further?
3. I really really need to start getting some exercise. I wake up sore and stiff in the night. I need to find a yoga class and GO and to hell with the fact that I have no free time. There is a $5 class on Tuesday nights, but it runs 7-8:30 and that would live mr. flea with solo bedtime two nights in a row, since I work Wednesdays. Really, a Sunday would be ideal. In this town, so many people have flexible schedules that there isn't much yoga available on weekends, so I may have to suck it up and do a $14 class.
Hopefully these three things will help me feel better. Right now I am feeling tired of life.
Why Do I Read The Times, Again?
Aug. 26th, 2010 01:08 pmNow I am concerned that Casper is depressed: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/29/magazine/29preschool-t.html?hp
She was actually a jolly 3 year old; PreK was stressful and that was the year of finishing the dissertation and moving, so plenty of opportunities for situational anxiety. As an about-to-be-7-year-old she's a bit high-strung; prone to saying, "I'm stupid" and rather more tantrum-inclined than, for example, her brother. Her temperament is quite a bit like mine (though her intellect is much more like mr. flea's).
I was in talk therapy for depression at 10 (in 1982). I had post-divorce issues but also a fundamental existential angst (which I still have; I just ignore it, with the help of Prozac.) Therapy didn't help, but I suppose it's possible the right talk therapist could have been better. (The one I had told me about the "shit sandwich." He also dated my mother. Bad choices.)
She was actually a jolly 3 year old; PreK was stressful and that was the year of finishing the dissertation and moving, so plenty of opportunities for situational anxiety. As an about-to-be-7-year-old she's a bit high-strung; prone to saying, "I'm stupid" and rather more tantrum-inclined than, for example, her brother. Her temperament is quite a bit like mine (though her intellect is much more like mr. flea's).
I was in talk therapy for depression at 10 (in 1982). I had post-divorce issues but also a fundamental existential angst (which I still have; I just ignore it, with the help of Prozac.) Therapy didn't help, but I suppose it's possible the right talk therapist could have been better. (The one I had told me about the "shit sandwich." He also dated my mother. Bad choices.)
When it all comes down to it, I honestly don't think we're all that good at this parenting gig. We're not abusive, or neglectful, but we just sort of muddle through and I don't think we have much of a gift for it. mr. flea is long on loving but overindulgent and can't discipline his way out of a wet paper bag; Casper has him wrapped around her little finger. I am easily bored and impatient and easily overwhelmed and can get very angry (I can discipline my way through three new york telephone books, but am not notably more effective than mr. wet paper bag). I notice our faults much more with Casper. Whether this means we are a worse fit for her as parents, she is old enough to push our buttons very well, or we've learned something and are doing a better job with Dillo, I'm not sure. I do feel sorry for her as a first child - our experiment, the one we screw things up on first. Even if we screw them up again with Dillo, we aren't complete novices.
The weekend started poorly, with Dillo vomit in the night on Friday. This was the first time he's actually been pukey. He spit up a ton as a baby, but that's a whole different animal. He begged for water or juice or milk but when we gave him half an inch of water he threw it up, so we kept him off liquids for several hours. He didn't sleep well and complained a lot. Was pretty much fine by 10 am or so, though, and had a big afternoon nap since he'd lost so much sleep in the night.
Otherwise we did a fair amount of socializing, with neighbors Saturday, and then more formally, with two arranged play dates for Casper Sunday (one with another new family who lives nearby, and one with the twins' grandmother). I had brunch with work people, which was just okay (no families invited, a big dog at the house - my already minimal dog-person-ness is on the decline). mr. flea drove Dillo all over northeast Georgia in an attempt to get him to nap today and only got 40 minutes. And then the evening, in which Casper was Difficult and I felt made of fail.
I'd gone off my anti-depressants shortly before we moved, which I knew was stupid, and mr. flea, when he learned last week, told me was stupid, so you don't need to add to that chorus, thanks. But we all do stupid things sometimes, and I was so distracted I was honestly forgetting to take them half the time, and I wondered if they were actually doing anything. It would seem so, at this point, and I still have some, so back on I go, I guess. I am still a little resistant to the idea.
I think that I would think I am a mediocre parent even if I were still on my meds, though. Antidepressants, for me, are a bit like tact. They don't change what's true, it just means I don't talk/think about the truth as much. And let's face it, human kind cannot bear very much reality.
The weekend started poorly, with Dillo vomit in the night on Friday. This was the first time he's actually been pukey. He spit up a ton as a baby, but that's a whole different animal. He begged for water or juice or milk but when we gave him half an inch of water he threw it up, so we kept him off liquids for several hours. He didn't sleep well and complained a lot. Was pretty much fine by 10 am or so, though, and had a big afternoon nap since he'd lost so much sleep in the night.
Otherwise we did a fair amount of socializing, with neighbors Saturday, and then more formally, with two arranged play dates for Casper Sunday (one with another new family who lives nearby, and one with the twins' grandmother). I had brunch with work people, which was just okay (no families invited, a big dog at the house - my already minimal dog-person-ness is on the decline). mr. flea drove Dillo all over northeast Georgia in an attempt to get him to nap today and only got 40 minutes. And then the evening, in which Casper was Difficult and I felt made of fail.
I'd gone off my anti-depressants shortly before we moved, which I knew was stupid, and mr. flea, when he learned last week, told me was stupid, so you don't need to add to that chorus, thanks. But we all do stupid things sometimes, and I was so distracted I was honestly forgetting to take them half the time, and I wondered if they were actually doing anything. It would seem so, at this point, and I still have some, so back on I go, I guess. I am still a little resistant to the idea.
I think that I would think I am a mediocre parent even if I were still on my meds, though. Antidepressants, for me, are a bit like tact. They don't change what's true, it just means I don't talk/think about the truth as much. And let's face it, human kind cannot bear very much reality.
Year assessment
Dec. 31st, 2006 02:40 pmThese were last year's resolutions:
1. Spend more time outdoors. And preferably in a natural setting, not just the yard and the park, though those are nice too.
2. FLOSS.
3. Wean Casper.
4. Potty-train Casper.
5. Harness my powers for good at work. If bored, do something productive.
Succeeded in 3. Aaaaalmost there with 4 (she's pooped in the potty twice since we've been home from Ohio!!!). Sorta doing 5. 1, eh. 2, not so much.
In many ways this was a good year for me and my family. I had a healthy, happy son; my daughter, while occasionally trying, continues to be a lively, beautiful, clever, loving creature; my husband loves me and is an excellent father and partner; we are all in good health and well-housed, -clothed, and -fed. In this we are doing so much better than most of the people on the planet.
On the down side, looking back on this year I feel that I was depressed at a low level for much of it. I spent this pregnancy cranky as hell; I actually came *this* close to physically attacking someone at work at one point. Since the baby's birth I've just felt like things are grinding along - routine, surviviable, but not flourishing the way I should be, given the obvious blessings in my life. I also have a simmering anger at the not-finishedness of mr. flea's dissertation, and the not-moving-forwardness of our lives.
Tomorrow: ideas on making progress on these topics. And maybe flossing, I mean it this year!
1. Spend more time outdoors. And preferably in a natural setting, not just the yard and the park, though those are nice too.
2. FLOSS.
3. Wean Casper.
4. Potty-train Casper.
5. Harness my powers for good at work. If bored, do something productive.
Succeeded in 3. Aaaaalmost there with 4 (she's pooped in the potty twice since we've been home from Ohio!!!). Sorta doing 5. 1, eh. 2, not so much.
In many ways this was a good year for me and my family. I had a healthy, happy son; my daughter, while occasionally trying, continues to be a lively, beautiful, clever, loving creature; my husband loves me and is an excellent father and partner; we are all in good health and well-housed, -clothed, and -fed. In this we are doing so much better than most of the people on the planet.
On the down side, looking back on this year I feel that I was depressed at a low level for much of it. I spent this pregnancy cranky as hell; I actually came *this* close to physically attacking someone at work at one point. Since the baby's birth I've just felt like things are grinding along - routine, surviviable, but not flourishing the way I should be, given the obvious blessings in my life. I also have a simmering anger at the not-finishedness of mr. flea's dissertation, and the not-moving-forwardness of our lives.
Tomorrow: ideas on making progress on these topics. And maybe flossing, I mean it this year!
why, friday, why?
Nov. 17th, 2006 02:51 pmI am feeling decidedly inadequate this afternoon. I think it is due to the phone interviews, and RFMom being pregnant, and generally being around people who I feel are better dressed, better paid, living up to their potential, have more friends, send their well-behaved and potty-trained children to private school, and are just better at this whole "life" thing. Step away from the yuppies, flea.
I am trying to take solace in the fact that I have really cute children. I do. Maybe I should go buy the boy some socks.
Also, the dealership is now not giving our car back until Monday, at which point they will have had it for a week. This is not a problem, really, as we live such that being car-free is pretty simply, but I am irked at them. (That, and I wanted to go to Target and spend money I don't have this weekend.)
I am trying to take solace in the fact that I have really cute children. I do. Maybe I should go buy the boy some socks.
Also, the dealership is now not giving our car back until Monday, at which point they will have had it for a week. This is not a problem, really, as we live such that being car-free is pretty simply, but I am irked at them. (That, and I wanted to go to Target and spend money I don't have this weekend.)
