dumps

[flea]

When it all comes down to it, I honestly don't think we're all that good at this parenting gig. We're not abusive, or neglectful, but we just sort of muddle through and I don't think we have much of a gift for it. mr. flea is long on loving but overindulgent and can't discipline his way out of a wet paper bag; Casper has him wrapped around her little finger. I am easily bored and impatient and easily overwhelmed and can get very angry (I can discipline my way through three new york telephone books, but am not notably more effective than mr. wet paper bag). I notice our faults much more with Casper. Whether this means we are a worse fit for her as parents, she is old enough to push our buttons very well, or we've learned something and are doing a better job with Dillo, I'm not sure. I do feel sorry for her as a first child - our experiment, the one we screw things up on first. Even if we screw them up again with Dillo, we aren't complete novices.

The weekend started poorly, with Dillo vomit in the night on Friday. This was the first time he's actually been pukey. He spit up a ton as a baby, but that's a whole different animal. He begged for water or juice or milk but when we gave him half an inch of water he threw it up, so we kept him off liquids for several hours. He didn't sleep well and complained a lot. Was pretty much fine by 10 am or so, though, and had a big afternoon nap since he'd lost so much sleep in the night.

Otherwise we did a fair amount of socializing, with neighbors Saturday, and then more formally, with two arranged play dates for Casper Sunday (one with another new family who lives nearby, and one with the twins' grandmother). I had brunch with work people, which was just okay (no families invited, a big dog at the house - my already minimal dog-person-ness is on the decline). mr. flea drove Dillo all over northeast Georgia in an attempt to get him to nap today and only got 40 minutes. And then the evening, in which Casper was Difficult and I felt made of fail.

I'd gone off my anti-depressants shortly before we moved, which I knew was stupid, and mr. flea, when he learned last week, told me was stupid, so you don't need to add to that chorus, thanks. But we all do stupid things sometimes, and I was so distracted I was honestly forgetting to take them half the time, and I wondered if they were actually doing anything. It would seem so, at this point, and I still have some, so back on I go, I guess. I am still a little resistant to the idea.

I think that I would think I am a mediocre parent even if I were still on my meds, though. Antidepressants, for me, are a bit like tact. They don't change what's true, it just means I don't talk/think about the truth as much. And let's face it, human kind cannot bear very much reality.

Comments

[richtermom.livejournal.com]

I think something to remember with First Children As Experiments is that while we may wonder just what we did that gave her that tone in her voice sometimes that makes you want to rip up your membership in attachedparents the fact is with all the weirdness we're doing something very very right. K is exposed to a lot more... stuff in general than I was at her age, but she's also got an incredible mind. She comes up with amazing ideas, and she's got a great memory for lyrics, and she just.... For every crazy frustrating moment, there are a bzillion that make me want to laugh just thinking about it. And she's OURS. She's our amazing surprise.

And you've got Casper AND Dillo, so you're beginning to fine tune some of the experimentation, but you're basing it on the results from your statistically INSIGNIFICANT sample size of ONE. Dillo is different and unique and not his sister. So really, yeah, you're dropping some of the experimentation, but you're putting new stuff out there anyway.

I'd say Dillo's biggest win would be that you went through the learning curve about a bunch of stuff with Casper, so you didn't make as many "here are clues about handling a kid" mistakes. Like watch them when they're feeding themselves peas as they fit up the nose. Or, if you'd ask my husband, no, she's not going to stop just because she ran out of floor. GRAB HER BEFORE SHE HITS THE STAIRS.

See, he decided we're not having another one. So, like with Calculus and counting headlines, raising a newborn is another skill I worked REALLY HARD at learning but I'll probably never use again.

I'm going to go sulk now.

[orthoepy.livejournal.com]

I don't think anyone truly believes they are good at being parents (and if they do they are deluding themselves). I am distracted and controlly with LB a lot of the time, and DH is lax and inconsistent; that's because we're human.

Luckily LB is human too, and really all kids want is to be loved (and fed and clothed, and sometimes they're willing to waive "clothed").

I feel like every child is disappointed in their parents in SOME way, and even if you were "practically perfect in every way" you'd disappoint them by being a paragon that they couldn't possibly live up to.

And (from my statistically insignificant sample) it does seem to get easier as they get older; LB at 8 is SO much more reasonable now than he was even two years ago, and he sees so much more of other people's home lives now that he is older that he is learning from other them as well as us, which is good and bad.

[serrana.livejournal.com]

Hon?

You have just moved.

The kids are going to be entirely asstacular for at least six months and maybe closer to a year.

This is not your fault. This is what kids are like. It is not you, it is not me, it is not that we are dismal failures, it is that they're kids. And kids are like that.

Have you lit them on fire? Locked them in the garage with a tall glass full of weed killer? Broken anything over their wee heads? If not, honestly, after a move and buying a house and starting two new jobs and new school and new daycare and mondo amounts of stress, you are doing fine for right now. Fine for right now may not be as well as you could be doing in six months, or a year, or ten years, or if you were Mrs. Perfect Homemaker, but fine for right now is, yes, fine for right now.

(I just sold my kids on the idea that having breakfast for dinner is exciting! and not a sign that Mom is still sick and Dad is wiped out and we're eating cereal because we can't stand the thought of standing up long enough to cook. Look, it's fine for right now.)

[haphazardmethod.livejournal.com]

What she said. {{{C}}}

[ellenbs.livejournal.com]

I use my cell phone to remind me to take pills: Wellbutrin, iron, b.c. I've been thinking of getting one of those Monday-Friday things with all the compartments and the flippy lids - it's like an Advent Calendar of Drugs!

You do sound depressed, and I know from where you speak. You're not bad or incompetent parent. People muddle from one thing to the next even when they don't have extra human beings to care for. Anyway - I agree about the reality thing. It's possible that what I saw looking out of my depression - that my life was pointless and people and life in general not worth the candle - wasn't wrong, but it's no way to live, and I choose to live.

[veejane.livejournal.com]

In re personality, it is certainly the case that Dillo is more biddable and less prone to Drama than Casper, in a way I think is at least partly inborn. (Casper is never comfortable around me in her not-really-awake state, and sometimes hysterical; but I could sing Dillo to sleep, and move him afterwards, without a twitch.) So the wildly different people in your house aren't the result of wildly different choices so much as Dillo is a walking softball.

Part of the difficulty of modern parenting, I think, is that it's no longer a tradition-based practice. So rather than attempting to pass on something precious, you're in a constant state of mediating between what you learned as a child and what you think (and a zillion yammering experts think) works. Of course that's going to be a tense affair; and what's more, you'll be much more conscious of and judgemental towards the parts you have bobbled. That cognitive bias comes standard in human thinking, but that doesn't mean it's not a bias.

There are people who have a gift for it, of course, but not having a gift for something doesn't mean you can't do well at it. It's just... hard. And I'm sure there's a certain amount of "Whaddya mean I have to totally knock myself out to even get a B+?" in your makeup, because I am familiar with that syndrome meself, but a B+ is actually a pretty damn good grade.

[gingerk.livejournal.com]

I suspect that parenting is one of those things that if you think you're doing a great job, you're not. I have known several people who were sure they were great parents, and their children were little monsters.

[mearagrrl.livejournal.com]

What ginger said--I rather suspect the better job you think you're doing the more your kids are being messed up secretly in more ways than you realize. :)

[fashionista-35.livejournal.com]

What Ginger said. And meara and serrana, too. You're doing fine.

[minim_calibre]

You know, I hear almost the exact same thing from nearly every mother I know. (Down to the split in permissive vs shorter-tempered parent, which could have described us.

I think you are, in fact, a normal parent.

[cashmerepett.livejournal.com]

I've totally done the off-meds for a couple of weeks. Sometimes for no reason other than I wonder how I do without them. C can usually tell and will gently remind me. I usually start the slide by forgetting a day or two and then it stretches into five or six. I've been better about it recently and can tell the difference.

I think that the job of parenting can't really be judged in close proximity--time and distance will tell. Which means you've no way to determine how much success you've had until well after you can do anything about it. Sucks, that.

I tend to think that the gender differences in boys and girls are more strident as young children. I notice it more with Liv. Even with Owen's issues, I have more stress with Liv. I may be projecting, though. It just seems to me that girls are more adept at figuring out our emotions and manipulating them at a very early age.

Moving is just so stressful--especially when you're the Secretary of Education, Transportation, Health and Welfare. Give yourself a break on that.

I never quite feel like a failure as a parent but I always feel like I could be doing better at some things.

[hecubot.livejournal.com]

I concur with Serrana's point. I think you're really underestimating how much stress your family has been under over the last several months. Moving and changing jobs and new schools - even a positive change that you chose - is extremely disruptive of routines and incredibly taxing.

It'll probably take six months for everybody to get some stability, so you're in that place where keeping your head above water is a huge accomplishment.

As for your parenting, you're doing fine. All parents get impatient. Parenting, almost by definition, is the experience of being forced to be more patient than you could have imagined. And, as Minim notes, that dynamic on the split in discipline is incredibly common.

Your children are loved and they know it. They are healthy and safe and well cared for. And you teach them boundaries and limits and discipline. That's 90% of parenting and it's good enough.

And, as Orthoepy notes it will get sooooo much more easier with Casper within the next couple years.

So please cut yourself some slack, and take care of yourself. Just getting everybody through the day is a lot right now.

[loligo.livejournal.com]

This summer was just one big lesson in how ill-suited to parenthood I am, yet I love my kids and I'm glad I had them, and we're all just going to have to cope with the fact that my preferred lifestyle would be one where I'm allowed to be ALONE somewhere COMPLETELY SILENT for eight hours a day. I'm not going to get nearly the amount of peace and quiet I want, and they're not going to get quite as much Mom as they want, and we will all be okay. And so will you guys!

[forodwaith.livejournal.com]

I agree with plei that feeling like this makes you a normal parent. You & mr flea love your kids, you take care of their physical needs and some-to-most of their emotional needs -- honestly, that's the best any of us can do.

If it was possible to be a perfect parent, flocks of flying pigs would be roosting in my back yard.