flea

hello

2019-06-09T09:19:47Z

I am feeling alienated and detached from everything in life right now.

It's hard.

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mantra

2010-12-29T15:32:02Z

"I hate myself
I don't like myself
I don't believe in myself
I'm not a genius."

This is Casper's negativity mantra. Guess where it came from? From the positive mantra the school counselor taught her, just turned around. Greeeeeeeeaaaaaaat.

Casper is attempting to sew shorts for her barbie-sized doll out of a scrap of slippery silk satin left over from my wedding dress, a task I would be doomed to fail at. Boy are we having fun here.

Also, what they hell kind of school counselor teaches a kid a positivity mantra whose last line is, "I'm a genius"? No she's not, and it's not heal;thy to tell her she is.

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Things Need to Change

2010-09-14T14:30:26Z

I feel like I have been really struggling lately, and need to make some changes.
1. I have a bottle of my antidepressant in my purse now, so if I didn't take it in the morning, I can take it when I brush my teeth at work.
2. mr. flea agreed to try a radically early bedtime for the kids. They are SO TIRED, and yet we cannot seem to get them to sleep before 9:30 pm (despite starting the going to bed process at 8). And Dillo (like me) wakes up super-early even if he is still tired, and Casper has to get up at 6:45 during the week for school and usually can't sleep in on weekends because Dillo is up. So we're going to start bedtime at 7pm today, brush teeth and jammies and pull the blinds in their room and read stories. Maybe turn the light off and read the last story with a flashlight, to cool them (mostly Dillo) down even further?
3. I really really need to start getting some exercise. I wake up sore and stiff in the night. I need to find a yoga class and GO and to hell with the fact that I have no free time. There is a $5 class on Tuesday nights, but it runs 7-8:30 and that would live mr. flea with solo bedtime two nights in a row, since I work Wednesdays. Really, a Sunday would be ideal. In this town, so many people have flexible schedules that there isn't much yoga available on weekends, so I may have to suck it up and do a $14 class.

Hopefully these three things will help me feel better. Right now I am feeling tired of life.

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Why Do I Read The Times, Again?

2010-08-26T17:14:07Z

Now I am concerned that Casper is depressed: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/29/magazine/29preschool-t.html?hp

She was actually a jolly 3 year old; PreK was stressful and that was the year of finishing the dissertation and moving, so plenty of opportunities for situational anxiety. As an about-to-be-7-year-old she's a bit high-strung; prone to saying, "I'm stupid" and rather more tantrum-inclined than, for example, her brother. Her temperament is quite a bit like mine (though her intellect is much more like mr. flea's).

I was in talk therapy for depression at 10 (in 1982). I had post-divorce issues but also a fundamental existential angst (which I still have; I just ignore it, with the help of Prozac.) Therapy didn't help, but I suppose it's possible the right talk therapist could have been better. (The one I had told me about the "shit sandwich." He also dated my mother. Bad choices.)

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