cutting the doll's hair

[flea]

Casper cut a doll's hair again last night, and she was upset that I got upset at her for it. As she put it, "It's MY doll!" It is her doll, but I find the cutting of dolls' hair, or coloring on toys, horrifying. I'm trying to wrap my brain around who's right here, and what I should do, since I think both of our viewpoints have validity.

As I explained to Casper last night, for me it is about respecting one's toys. I used the example of Sid from Toy Story. I can remember one time when I deliberately damaged a toy as a child - my sister and I used straight pins to poke holes in the breasts of the vintage Barbies we inherited from my mother, thus giving them nipples. I remember at the time knowing I was wrong (I was probably 8 or so) and have since read suggestions that girls are likely to damage Barbies in particular as a reaction against the patriarchy (stop laughing, it kind of makes sense!) The other times I can remember damaging something as a child were accidents, and very traumatic - I cut a triangular flap out of my hand-made smocked party dress by accident, while cutting princess crowns from paper (aged 6), and I pushed a rude playmate and her head went into the plaster replica of Greek horsemen from the acropolis that my mother had, breaking it (it was never able to be repaired (aged 8).

Casper sometimes draws on herself, and occasionally has drawn on her stuffed animals. Most of our markers are washable, so we discourage this drawing but have never freaked out about it. It's only recently that she has cut hair - in the last month she has cut the hair off a knock-off purple my little pony (basically a trash toy; I said that wasn't good but didn't make a big deal out of it), trimmed the braids on a Polly Pocket borrowed from a friend (which got a lecture about respecting other people's things and we went out and bought a new doll for the friend) and then last night she cut the hair of her 6-inch plastic Madeline doll.

Casper seems to feel that these are her toys, and she is free to play with them as she wants, and if that play involves cutting their hair, that's fine. The one thing I have impressed on her, twice now, is that if she EVER EVER cuts the Sasha dolls' hair (our special dolls from childhood, some of which she plays with in a special play space that isn't her room, and one of which I gave her at Christmas) they will be put away and she will never play with them again. I'm a little worried I'm setting myself up for deliberate damage with my vehemence here, and considering pre-emptively putting the Sasha dolls away until she is older. It would KILL me to see those dolls deliberately damaged.

Did you damage toys as a child? If you have kids, do they? Does Toy Story make you cry? What's your policy?

Comments

[fashionista-35.livejournal.com]

Nope. I never did. And in fact, flipped out like a mammal when my mother insisted I should share my toys with my cousins who were visiting. I had one of those Barbie styling heads, one that I'd had for probably well over a year and that I carefully played with. In a matter of thirty minutes they TRASHED it. Totally snarled the hair and after they cracked and destroyed the play makeup, went and got their mother's real makeup, which of course, wouldn't wash off.

I absolutely howled at the time, screaming that I knew I shouldn't have let them play with my things.

And thing is, that's just my nature. My things are my things and I take care of them and expect others to respect them. They get one chance and that's it. And while I had an older brother and sister, I essentially grew up an only child and didn't have a huge number of playmates my own age, so I had control over most of my toys.

When my kids were that age, they weren't drawn to marking or maiming their toys in any way. I think we had one or two incidents of crayon drawing on the wall/television. They're far more likely to misplace things-- they're horrible slobs, than to destroy them. Of course, I was also Mean Mommy and didn't allow them to have scissors until they were old enough to understand that the damage they could inflict was fairly permanent. I also had a policy of not letting them use electronic equipment as toys (like cell phones/remotes/car remotes). I know a lot of people we knew thought I was the meanest most uptight person on the planet, but in the end, it's saved us a lot of heartache in terms of setting boundaries and knowing what's acceptable to play with and what's not.

[loligo.livejournal.com]

Put the special dolls away! Why tempt fate?

My sisters and I were all doll modifiers, and my mom didn't care. She just made clear to us that (a) we had to keep our hands off of her old toys (which we did with no problem), and (b) she was *not* going to buy replacements for any modified toys that we were unhappy with. It seemed to work out pretty well for us.

Chuckles hasn't done anything like that so far. Squeaky destroys things just for the joy of feeling them break, but he seems to be more careful with the toys that he has a real emotional connection with.

[ste-noni.livejournal.com]

I don't remember destroying my toys - although I did once shred a foam rubber puzzle. It was actually a pretty cool puzzle and I didn't get anymore of them after that. I had forgotten about that, but I had a destructive streak when I was mad. I guess I also remember throwing my piggy bank against the wall until it shattered. I was probably 5. After 5 or so, I think I took pretty good care of my toys.

Ellie has gone though a "drawing on toys" phase lately. Part of it, I know, is that her name has to be on any toy that she takes to school. Writing her name in permanent marker on her toys is like sacrilege to me (soooo ugly), but it doesn't bother her. So, we've had a few instances of her "writing her name" on various toys. She has also attempted to "decorate" a few horses and her AB Bitty Baby stroller. Like you, we mostly have washable markers so I haven't worried about it too much.

The times I talked to her about it, she responded that she wasn't "wrecking" her toys but was either writing her name or decorating. I decided that I don't have a problem with that. She is being respectful towards her toys, even if she's not doing it the way I would. So I don't bother her about it, although she hasn't done it in a while.

What I don't let her do is wreck, or intentionally damage her toys. To me, that crosses the (newly moved) respect line.

[aimeejmc.livejournal.com]

I did a lot of haircutting and doll modifying. And Emeline is drawing on her dolls a lot lately, but no cutting as I generally don't let her have scissors (but she's 4 and that was after an incident with her cutting my gorgeous pillow fabric.)

That being said, I agree with loligo and ste_noni - there will be no replacement of dolls or toys otherwise broken or destroyed. It sounds as though Casper isn't doing it to be destructful or disrespectful, but to explore what she likes aesthetically.

[amy37.livejournal.com]

Pretty much what everyone else said -- I never cut my dolls' hair or drew on things, but I did undress my Madame Alexander dolls and brush their hair (effectively ruining their preset hairstyles). I've never been a doodler like that, and cutting seems so permanent!

The boys both drew on things (Jake more than Ben), although neither of them ever agressively damaged anything. I just made it clear that they better be sure they liked it, because they weren't going to get replacements. Sara hasn't cut a doll's hair yet, but she does write on things sometimes -- my yoga ball now has a smiley face, for instance. We've talked about where to draw and where not to, and now that she's a little older, she's stopped. (Mostly because she has her paper and little notebooks, I think.)

Toy Story/Sid horrified me, but it was meant to. Most kids are going to take it that far. I would, however, put away the special dolls, unless you make sure you supervise her while she plays with them, simply to let her know they're *yours* and you have different parameters for how to play with toys.

[susano.livejournal.com]

I cut hair, wrote on dolls, cut the hair of plush toys, wrote on Monopoly money and generally repurposed toys for other uses. I don't think there was a toy that got altered that I really regretted. And nothing was replaced, so I did eventually learn that if I really liked something, I had to take care of it. Some of it is destructive behaviour, but I think some it of it is about creativity and using something meant to be used one way in a totally different way.

That said, I would put the special dolls away.

Also, I had a friend who was given a bean bag toy as baptismal gift by Margaret Atwood. Because of who it was from, he was never allowed to play with it or touch it, and it's still in his dad's library (and my friend is in his 30s). What's the point of giving a child a toy if they can only admire it from a distance?

[dxmachina.livejournal.com]

I suspect boys are a lot rougher on their toys than girls. My brothers and I certainly were. For one thing, so many of them are so much fun to crash into each other. Then there are the first experiments with fire crackers and old model airplanes. And kids who make models usually have paints on hand, and are comfortable with the concept of painting and modifying their toys because of it. I know I painted some of our blocks (metallic blue!) when we briefly used them for bridges on our Lionel train layout.

[gchick.livejournal.com]

I'd agree with putting the special things away (or would Casper go for some level of supervised play with them? I'd hate to see them become display items and not toys at all...), but I don't think I had a doll that didn't gradually end up with a buzzcut over time, my Barbies had drawn-on nipples and pubes (I saved the straight pins for body piercings) (umm, you may not want to tell Casper that story). There were definitely useful lines drawn, but they were more like (a) my toys were mine to destroy, but I couldn't do the same to other people's stuff like (say) the walls; and (b) my toys were mine to destroy, but I had to live with it if the hair didn't grow back.

[stephl.livejournal.com]

I agree with putting away the special dolls, or supervised play.

As for Barbies and their ilk, I cut their hair and threw them in the back of my closet as soon as I got them from well-meaning family members who didn't bother to ask my mom what I actually played with (answer: Just Give Her Books).

I think as long as you make it clear that toys she "modifies" won't be replaced, it's fine. (The obvious exception is the Sasha dolls.)

Re: Toy Story -- I can't watch it a second time. Sid was too traumatic. As a kid, I believed that all my stuffed animals were real (still do), and anything that "hurt" them was the end of the world for me, not because they were damaged, but because they were "hurt."

(That applied only to my stuffed animals, though; like I said, cutting Barbies' hair was S.O.P., and in no way "hurt" them. Because they WEREN'T REAL. [Uh, that last sentence was posted by my inner 8-year-old.])

[casperflea.livejournal.com]

I sleep with a stuffed lion head I've had since I was 15 months old. I know from Real.

[scrappylj.livejournal.com]

The word "damages" is where you may be going wrong here. I cut hair, drew on, undressed my dolls, but I didn't see it as damaging them--I was trying to see how I could make them look different or better. My poor Midge doll had blue lips forever after a "purple pen as lisptick" experiment proved a failure. I wasn't allowed a new doll, which was a salutary lesson in consequences.

Just keep the nice dolls under supervised play.

[forodwaith.livejournal.com]

I had a destructive younger brother and a dog who liked to chew on Barbies, so no toy of mine survived long unscathed (even though I didn't do the scathing) and I don't recall minding much. Nora cut the manes & tails off her Polly Pocket horses and we let it go without comment. (Uh, bad parent?)

Books are my hot button. I've had several bouts with Nora about drawing in/tearing books. Each time she does it ALL her books go away for a while and she loses library privileges. Knock on wood, she seems to be past it now (at least, she hasn't done it in 6 or so months).

I agree that if you'd be traumatized by damage to the dolls
they should be put away or reserved for supervised play. I've saved old books from my childhood but Nora is getting NOWHERE near them for several years. In fact I haven't even given any to Sean, though he's old enough now to treat them well. Maybe on his next birthday.

[serrana.livejournal.com]

Have you considered just not letting her have unsupervised access to scissors? Neither of our kids is allowed scissors without an adult standing over them (this in the wake of a v. unfortunate incident with a tablecloth, about three years ago). It's harder to keep control over writing instruments, but we make an effort in that department, and buy the kids only washable crayons and markers.

That said, at a slightly older age I certainly disassembled Barbies and GI Joes at my cousins' houses (we were allowed neither). And I let the kids bang around the expensive sterling rattle that my grandparents gave Herself; yeah, it's banged and bent now, but what's the point of a toy if you're not going to play with it?

Though I did decide, after a bad moment, that she's not old enough yet to have the little cabinet my Nana gave her (which was her grandmother's toy cabinet). That's gone into my closet, and we'll try again when she's got a bit more sense.

[fashionista-35.livejournal.com]

Heh-- yeah, I let both of mine bang the hell out of their sterling silver rattles and other things of that nature. With us it was just a case of the toys you play with you can really play with, other "special" toys, are supervised.

But yeah, my thing about cutting and drawing on dolls was clearly influenced by my childhood trauma.

[orthoepy.livejournal.com]

I would DEFINITELY put the dolls away, or limit access, esp. if you would be heartbroken if they were damaged.

LB is pretty good with his "dolls" (action figures) but tends to draw on things that I wouldn't necessarily draw on.

When he was little (3? 4?) we would let him scribble on his (bare) torso and arms with washable marker, with the caveat that he would be pushed immediately into the tub after. He would draw tiger stripes on himself and growl!

My brother routinely took all the heads off all the barbies I ever had (and hid them, often), but I was the one who gave them haircuts (I had short hair myself, you see ...).

[fatoudust.livejournal.com]

I agree with the general sentiment about putting away the special dolls. Casper is too young to be able to appreciate the value, and if she does damage one (which will be a strong temptation because, forbidden!) she will not understand the depth of your upset. Later, you can bring them back out. The only thing I'm hesitant about is because you set a parameter (if she damaged them, they'd disappear) but would be preempting that condition and consequence.

I was the sort of child who got upset at irrevocable damage done to toys. So yes, I still have a couple of my infant toys that are in fine condition.

Anyway, I was wondering if it wasn't something specific about the act of haircutting. When I was a kid they had those weird doll heads that you could pull the hair out and cut it. Do they still have stuff like that? That way, Casper could have a specific doll that it was okay to cut, and maybe get out her creativity harmlessly?

[mearagrrl.livejournal.com]

I definitely cut the hair on my barbies. I was trying to see if I could make them look better. ....it didn't. I think I was older than Casper, though. And I kind of regretted it later, because it looked awful.

[minim_calibre]

Ha! You are me here.

I also experimented with giving my Marilyn Monroe doll breast reduction surgery. I'd seen the diagrams! I knew where the cuts went! I was slightly older than Casper at that point.

I modded the crap out of my dolls. I tried to keep my model horses from breaking or getting messed up, but ones that were broken or messed up already were fair game for modding. I also attempted to improve on doll makeup with markers, and give tattoos to them. If I had free time, I'd probably have managed to get into this as a hobby for serious reals.

I'd agree with everyone who said to put the special ones away, or to limit play time with them to something structured and supervised. Otherwise, Bad Things Will Happen.

[cashmerepett.livejournal.com]

I almost prefer Toy Story 2 to 1--because it strikes to the heart of keeping collectible toys "pristine" and actual wear & tear from play.

I modified a lot of my toys--clothes, hair, drawing but wasn't destructive per se. Owen definitely repurposes toys and I let him give way to his imagination provided he isn't purposefully destructive.

Olivia is much less rough with toys but I suspect any damage she causes will be more intentional.

I think teaching kids to respect and take care of their things is very important but toys nowadays are much less likely to be passed down. In some families, toys are carefully preserved and meant to be used by successive generations of children.

I tend to look at most of my kids toys as transient or temporary objects destined for a landfill at some point, rather than a shelf

That fact that you still lovingly have a plush toy from your own toddler hood and cherish the dolls you love to see Evelyn play with but worry about speaks to your own relationship to your childhood toys. Is it more important to you for Evelyn to establish her own relationship to her toys or to recreate your childhood relationship with yours? (Sorry if this seems over the top psychological speculation!)

I don't see toy vandalism on the level of Sid very often. But in TS2, at the end Stinky Pete is in the backpack with the modified Barbie and she says, "You'll like Stacy! She's an artist!" I think this is more reflective of modern kids' relationships with their toys. They whole movie is a metaphor for the issue, really--Al running a toy store, while keeping his Woody's Round Up collectible toys in storage crates and original boxes.

[veejane.livejournal.com]

We were very orderly children, weren't we? I think our mayhem got no further than the level of putting doll clothes on the cat.

I always did look with contempt on the younger siblings of classmates whom I saw with mangled/"modified" toys. Is this a crazy? Maybe taken to extremes; but the thing that pings me about the above is Casper arguing back about her right to her toys. She is five! She has no rights! The whole point of being the parent is that you get to say, "Only barbarians do that, and we're not barbarians."

I was a little surprised you let her play with the Sasha dolls so early; I think we didn't begin to acquire them till I was at least 8 or 9. I don't have as strong an attachment to them as you do, but if she hurt those dolls I'd be very angry with her -- on your behalf. Maybe it's better if they not be solo-play items till she's older, or till some point when she magically transmogrifies into an orderly child.

[larisa57.livejournal.com]

I remember pulling the heads off Barbie dolls, and pulling the tails out of My Little Ponys, but I think that was more exploring the limits of their construction, and trying to see how they were put together. (The Barbie heads pop off. The pony tails have little metal things inside.) There were a few other things that I damaged, and most of them were the same impulse -- I wanted to take them apart to see how they worked, and I didn't realize that they couldn't be put back together.

[minim_calibre]

If you were VERY careful, you could put the tails back in a MLP. And the head joint for the Barbie could be repaired with care and some epoxy if it happened to snap off in an enthusiastic game of Off With Her Head. Sometimes with transplants from less appealing ones.

It's pretty normal childhood curiosity.

[burrell.livejournal.com]

This is such a great conversation!

My destructive tendencies were generally satisfied with changing Barbie heads (which was our way to change hairdos) and putting GIJoe's hands where his feel should be.

Frances tends to be pretty good with dolls other than a tendency to leave them on the floor. She likes to change their hairdos and undress them, but no haircuts so far. She wanted to with one doll and I explained that doll hair doesn't grow back, so she decided not to do it. I think part of it is her grandmother collects antique dolls (and even lets Frances play with some of them) so she has a sense that a doll is to play with, but also to take care of.

I tend to agree that the Sasha dolls should be put away (I sold my old dolls on eBay a few years ago and got almost $500 for them, so consider them collectibles). Frances knows where the scissors are kept and, since she likes to do art, she considers all art supplies (like pens, crayons, glue, scissors, etc) hers and available to her whenever she wants them. It'd be easier for me to limit access to the dolls than access to the scissors.