18 months can end now

[flea]

Technically, the Dillo is 19 months, of course.

Last night went like this:
-Regular bedtime routine with Daddy (start: 7:15)
-Loud freakout and extended crying
-I go in and nurse him, try to put him down, freakout, hold him until he goes to sleep in my arms, put him down. Chopin playing soothingly (to me, anyway). Time: 8:20 or so.
-Deal with Casper after school stuff (the YMCA is go, although mr. flea will be eating it wrt transportation, and I came away feeling like an insufficient parent, sigh.)
-Go to bed: 9:30 or so.
-Dillo wakes crying: 9:45. Give him 10 minutes. Still crying. mr. flea visits. 10 minutes. I visit, do not nurse him, but hold him. He falls asleep in my arms. He wakes up when I put him down. 10 minutes crying. mr. flea visits. Still crying during visit. mr. flea brings him to me in bed and I nurse him. mr. flea picks him up to take him back to bed and he freaks out. mr. flea is shocked and astonished that nursing no longer works to make him fall asleep. I tell him, yes, it stopped working about 4 days ago why do you think my life has been a living hell? 10 minutes crying. Maybe another 10 minutes. I think he fell asleep some time between 10:30 and 11, with mr. flea holding him in his room.
-Casper wakes crying: 2:45; she woke up and the light was off and the door closed in her room. I turn on the nightlight and snuggle with her. Fall asleep, mostly.
-Dillo wakes crying at about 3:50. I think I went and got him and nursed him and put him back in his bed, where he cried for a while (maybe 20 minutes). But things are pretty hazy. mr. flea went in at some point and changed his outfit and diaper since he was wet, and ultimately set him up with the Baby Einstein DVD on the laptop (Dillo in crib).
-I wake at 7 to sound of awake excited buy saying "cat!" It's like the horrible night never happened.

I knew a girl in high school who cut herself. This was before the days when this was a known phenomenon - I had never heard of it, and it was very strange to me. I was familiar with depression and pain - I'd seen a counselor starting at age 11 for depression (ask me about the shit sandwich some time) - but mine was more chronic and less acute, I guess. But lying in bed listening to a baby cry, I completely understand cutting. I pinch myself to try to make the pain less.

Comments

[loligo.livejournal.com]

I dread this stage. I keep putting it off -- Squeaky still spends at least half the night in our bed, and when Andy gets tired of getting kicked in the head by the baby, he goes and sleeps on the cot in Chuckles' room. If we got serious about Squeaky staying in his crib, it would be just like this.

[casperflea.livejournal.com]

What's killing me is, he WAS doing it! In the crib, to bed happily, 1-2 wakeups for nursing a night and right back down! For six months, with occasional runs of horrible teething. Now, it's separation anxiety central.