baby thoughts
Jun. 23rd, 2005 11:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fleaAs a person who needs a habitual worry, here's my current: the next kid.
The practical worries are obvious: mr. flea is an a PhD program, which he is currently projecting to finish "next fall." PhD programs are a bit notorious for going on longer than intended. Once PhD is in hand, or maybe even before, it becomes necessary to find a job, which may or may not mean relocation. Either way, it means buying a house, probably (not if we move somewhere outrageously expensive like Boston, though, probably), or at least thinking damned hard about it. I currently have a job. If we don't move, I'll have to decide to keep it (but I am so stagnating, plus cost of 2 kids in child care generally more than cost of 1), leave it to stay home with new kid and old kid (possibly-to-probably rendering self crazy), stay part-time (economic equation of salary vs. child care becomes quite complex, also not sure job will keep me part-time), or go back to school for a library degree. Same factors apply if we move, except I won't have an existing job to stay in, obviously.
Have I mentioned I am a person who likes plans? The nanny was asking mr. flea when he was finishing his degree, thinking ahead about when her gig with us might end, and he said, "You sound like my wife." She said, "Women need to make plans for these things!"
The more emotional worries are there too, though. Taking care of an infant was the hardest thing I have ever done (hard for me - some people may find it a breeze. Some CRAZY people.) Now that lots of women I know are having a second child, and others are writing about their first, it's all coming back, and I'm afraid of doing it again, with the added complication of a little girl who's been the center of our lives for 2-3 years and will need us a lot still. I don't know how I did it the first time, and I am afraid to do it again. Did I mention, afraid?
I already feel guilty that we both work and Casper doesn't get as much time with her parents as I think would be ideal. We have a wonderful nanny whom Casper loves and vice versa, but. I feel guilty that when I am home, I surf the internet or read a magazine or do dishes instead of actually playing with my kid. Okay, I don't worry about the dishes, but the other stuff, yeah. I'm home with an awake child for 4 hours a day, max, right now, and it's still hard for me to really be present with her for more than an hour or so of that. I worry that having another child will give her even fewer moments with us. And she's so happy being her mommy and daddy's only darling - having a sibling woould definitely be a big change and not a happy one at first. Of course, mr flea notes, "She's a lot more likely to end up quote-unquote normal is she has a sibling." So true. (Not that being an only child is abnormal - this is more a comment on emotional dynamics, especially mother-daughter ones, in my family.)
We'll almost certainly try to have another child. I just need to face all this and bravely take the leap of faith. I didn't really have to do it with Casper, since we conceived her by mistake, and it's a damned hard step to take.
I mean, I haven't even brought in my environmentalist and catastrophist concerns about the future my children wiill face yet! My father tells me that my late grandfather was concerned that in the coming collapse, Woods Hole would be in danger of raiding by the inevitable pirates. I am glad to know my apocalypticism has a genetic basis.
The practical worries are obvious: mr. flea is an a PhD program, which he is currently projecting to finish "next fall." PhD programs are a bit notorious for going on longer than intended. Once PhD is in hand, or maybe even before, it becomes necessary to find a job, which may or may not mean relocation. Either way, it means buying a house, probably (not if we move somewhere outrageously expensive like Boston, though, probably), or at least thinking damned hard about it. I currently have a job. If we don't move, I'll have to decide to keep it (but I am so stagnating, plus cost of 2 kids in child care generally more than cost of 1), leave it to stay home with new kid and old kid (possibly-to-probably rendering self crazy), stay part-time (economic equation of salary vs. child care becomes quite complex, also not sure job will keep me part-time), or go back to school for a library degree. Same factors apply if we move, except I won't have an existing job to stay in, obviously.
Have I mentioned I am a person who likes plans? The nanny was asking mr. flea when he was finishing his degree, thinking ahead about when her gig with us might end, and he said, "You sound like my wife." She said, "Women need to make plans for these things!"
The more emotional worries are there too, though. Taking care of an infant was the hardest thing I have ever done (hard for me - some people may find it a breeze. Some CRAZY people.) Now that lots of women I know are having a second child, and others are writing about their first, it's all coming back, and I'm afraid of doing it again, with the added complication of a little girl who's been the center of our lives for 2-3 years and will need us a lot still. I don't know how I did it the first time, and I am afraid to do it again. Did I mention, afraid?
I already feel guilty that we both work and Casper doesn't get as much time with her parents as I think would be ideal. We have a wonderful nanny whom Casper loves and vice versa, but. I feel guilty that when I am home, I surf the internet or read a magazine or do dishes instead of actually playing with my kid. Okay, I don't worry about the dishes, but the other stuff, yeah. I'm home with an awake child for 4 hours a day, max, right now, and it's still hard for me to really be present with her for more than an hour or so of that. I worry that having another child will give her even fewer moments with us. And she's so happy being her mommy and daddy's only darling - having a sibling woould definitely be a big change and not a happy one at first. Of course, mr flea notes, "She's a lot more likely to end up quote-unquote normal is she has a sibling." So true. (Not that being an only child is abnormal - this is more a comment on emotional dynamics, especially mother-daughter ones, in my family.)
We'll almost certainly try to have another child. I just need to face all this and bravely take the leap of faith. I didn't really have to do it with Casper, since we conceived her by mistake, and it's a damned hard step to take.
I mean, I haven't even brought in my environmentalist and catastrophist concerns about the future my children wiill face yet! My father tells me that my late grandfather was concerned that in the coming collapse, Woods Hole would be in danger of raiding by the inevitable pirates. I am glad to know my apocalypticism has a genetic basis.
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Date: 2005-06-23 08:50 pm (UTC)I think even though the initial change might be rough for a child, in the end, they have a sibling for life. I will forever be remembered for being angry with my little brother for drooling all over my special blanket when he was born, but after a few months, I was pretty happy to have him around.