baby thoughts

[flea]

As a person who needs a habitual worry, here's my current: the next kid.

The practical worries are obvious: mr. flea is an a PhD program, which he is currently projecting to finish "next fall." PhD programs are a bit notorious for going on longer than intended. Once PhD is in hand, or maybe even before, it becomes necessary to find a job, which may or may not mean relocation. Either way, it means buying a house, probably (not if we move somewhere outrageously expensive like Boston, though, probably), or at least thinking damned hard about it. I currently have a job. If we don't move, I'll have to decide to keep it (but I am so stagnating, plus cost of 2 kids in child care generally more than cost of 1), leave it to stay home with new kid and old kid (possibly-to-probably rendering self crazy), stay part-time (economic equation of salary vs. child care becomes quite complex, also not sure job will keep me part-time), or go back to school for a library degree. Same factors apply if we move, except I won't have an existing job to stay in, obviously.

Have I mentioned I am a person who likes plans? The nanny was asking mr. flea when he was finishing his degree, thinking ahead about when her gig with us might end, and he said, "You sound like my wife." She said, "Women need to make plans for these things!"

The more emotional worries are there too, though. Taking care of an infant was the hardest thing I have ever done (hard for me - some people may find it a breeze. Some CRAZY people.) Now that lots of women I know are having a second child, and others are writing about their first, it's all coming back, and I'm afraid of doing it again, with the added complication of a little girl who's been the center of our lives for 2-3 years and will need us a lot still. I don't know how I did it the first time, and I am afraid to do it again. Did I mention, afraid?

I already feel guilty that we both work and Casper doesn't get as much time with her parents as I think would be ideal. We have a wonderful nanny whom Casper loves and vice versa, but. I feel guilty that when I am home, I surf the internet or read a magazine or do dishes instead of actually playing with my kid. Okay, I don't worry about the dishes, but the other stuff, yeah. I'm home with an awake child for 4 hours a day, max, right now, and it's still hard for me to really be present with her for more than an hour or so of that. I worry that having another child will give her even fewer moments with us. And she's so happy being her mommy and daddy's only darling - having a sibling woould definitely be a big change and not a happy one at first. Of course, mr flea notes, "She's a lot more likely to end up quote-unquote normal is she has a sibling." So true. (Not that being an only child is abnormal - this is more a comment on emotional dynamics, especially mother-daughter ones, in my family.)

We'll almost certainly try to have another child. I just need to face all this and bravely take the leap of faith. I didn't really have to do it with Casper, since we conceived her by mistake, and it's a damned hard step to take.

I mean, I haven't even brought in my environmentalist and catastrophist concerns about the future my children wiill face yet! My father tells me that my late grandfather was concerned that in the coming collapse, Woods Hole would be in danger of raiding by the inevitable pirates. I am glad to know my apocalypticism has a genetic basis.

Comments

[richtermom.livejournal.com]

When I was younger, while my heart wanted kids galore, my brain didn't want my kid to have to live through some nuclear holocaust or something equally weird, and I prayed hard about it. So to me, it was very strange that Squeaky was conceived the cycle after that whole "mission accomplished" weirdness. But here she is. And I love her with every ounce of my being.

DH and I were talking even after she was born about when to plan for her sibling, and suddenly after a couple more months, he invested heavily in condoms and has decided that She Should Be An Only Child. Uh.... Hello? Frankly, that's not why I married him.

So financially, which seems to be his biggest speedbump, we have to regear somehow. Ironically, he quit his second job during the pregnancy which would have more than covered all her daycare. I was laid off a month before she was conceived, and I was unemployed until about one year ago, and the job I'm at now is a 1/3 pay cut from my last job.

*sigh*

One thing I'm sure of, though, was that Squeaky's infancy was my trial by fire. I feel like I learned a LOT and would be a much better mom next time around. I KNOW Squeaky would be a fabulous big sister, and heck, the dog is even on board.

I just need a magic wand that gives me about $15k/year more without a lot of extra hours.

Yeah. Just like that.

[loligo.livejournal.com]

Mommy angst! Nothing gets a journal added to my reading list quicker than that... [rueful grin]

[forodwaith.livejournal.com]

If I didn't already have a second child, I'd think I wrote this post -- right down to the catastrophic future concerns. (Helpful hint: stay AWAY from blog entries with the words "peak oil" in them.)

I founnd the BEB's infancy rough and Nora's easier. In that sense, practice does help; you are less likely to make molehills into mountains because now you can recognize them.

For me, one of the most surprising and wonderful things about having 2 children is their relationship. Nora and her older brother think the sun rises and sets on each other. Who knows: they may end up hating each other, they may be polite-but-distant (like me & my brother) or the best of friends (like Dan & his brothers), but right now they're in love.

[casperflea.livejournal.com]

This is reassuring. Mostly because you seem sensible, and if you did it...

I am so glad of my siblings, the ones I am very close to and the ones I am not.

[makaidiver.livejournal.com]

I'm childless by choice, but if I'd had any, I'd have wanted to have more than 1 for exactly that reason: my sibs have been great. Well, terrible, too, but still, I like having them, alot. Sibs really are the only ones who know what it's like to grow up in that household; it's great to have someone with whom to compare notes. One day in the far future, you and DH won't be here at all, but sibs will be there for each other.

A dear friend is an only and she told me when she was growing up, thinking about what she wished the most was always a toss up between a million dollars and a sibling. Seems like there are more onlies (only-ies?) these days so maybe that's changing, dunno.

[forodwaith.livejournal.com]

> you seem sensible

I can appear sane over the internets. In person is harder.

[mearagrrl.livejournal.com]

Well, at least if you have a second, it's still zero pop growth?

Other than that, intriguing to read, but I SO have nothing to add. ;)

[minim_calibre]

It's weird: for years, I couldn't imagine having two, but now that I have one, I understand the desire for more. I also realize that, should I start making noises about wanting another, I fully expect an intervention.

Has Casper made any noises about wanting a sibling yet?

[casperflea.livejournal.com]

I don't think she's old enough to really get the concept. She likes baby dolls...

[ste-noni.livejournal.com]

Since he missed my pregnancy and Ellie's birth, Joe has already been talking about when we will have another baby so he can be in on it this time (more than the minimum contribution, I guess).

I think even though the initial change might be rough for a child, in the end, they have a sibling for life. I will forever be remembered for being angry with my little brother for drooling all over my special blanket when he was born, but after a few months, I was pretty happy to have him around.

[orthoepy.livejournal.com]

So hard. I kept saying we would decide about a second child when LB was five, but five came too soon. Now I keep saying if I'm not ready by 36, we won't do it. (I'm 33.)

DH has a great relationship with his brothers but his parents always favored them over him, so I think perhaps having an only child wouldn't bother him too greatly, although he talks about number 2 more than I do. Me, it sounds awful, but now that I travel so much for work I don't know if I could handle an infant again. You miss them so much when you're away from them! Even if you are relishing sleeping through the night.

Anyway, my two cents is that it will all work out for the best. Because that's what I keep telling myself ...