flea

Yesterday I was on furlough, Dillo's school was closed for the day, and Casper had her first day of spring break. We had a pretty nice day. Dillo watched TV in the morning while Casper helped me bake biscuits and played Sasha dolls. At 11 we went for a walk to Ike & Jane's, the local indy coffee/donut shop. The kids were very sweet at sharing their donuts - Dillo would give Casper a marshmallow off his "lucky charms" donut, and she's give him a bit of her chocolate (she had red velvet chocolate frosted.) I was hoping to visit the liquor store and a consignment shop over there, but the troops were a bit restless, so we visited the hardware store (where they did not have stakes, broccoli seedlings, or low-impact paint stripper, but did have polyurethane and wheelbarrows, both of which I ogled.) We walked home and had lunch on the porch in the warm warm sun, and then Casper built fairy houses in the garden while Dillo did water gun stuff and I washed window frames. A very brief TV break and then Casper spontaneously asked if we could go to the playground at her school. We coincided with people we know, which was fun. No real problems until 5:30 when we started making oatmeal cookies and they started bickering and whining.

Today started off with a huge ball of suck, however. We got to the YMCA for spring break camp, paperwork filled out and check written, only to be told they were full. Oops. It never occurred to me that might happen. I'd have signed up earlier if it was online, but they only sign up on paper and their office is only open 9-6, and we just didn't make it over there what with one thing and another. So Casper came to work with me. mr. flea suggested we call Good Dirt, the local pottery shop, which we know has spring break camps and I was just lamenting would be fun for Casper except it's so pricy and their hours are not geared for working families. Well, they had space, so I walked Casper up and signed her up for the week. It's $55 a day, but a small group (10-12), nobody we know but a bunch of little girls in her age group. It only runs 9-3, so I have to go fetch her. I am still working out how we'll swing it with my 8-5 work day. It's a 15(me)-20(me + Casper) minute walk from my office. She was happily watching Secret of NIMH on Hulu before I got through to Good Dirt, so maybe we can do some office afternoons, and maybe my neighbor can pick her up some days.

While Casper is adequately cared for at the moment, I am still feeling completely terrible about the mixup, and expect to be for some time. As usual, I feel like our lives are just barely hanging together, and the house of cards may tumble at any time. It's not a good feeling, and this mishap adds extra "you're an idiot" feelings on top. Joy.

Yesterday: came home from work at 9:30, worked solidly for 1.5 hours while sick Casper watched Sesame, then did art projects and watched children (Dillo nanny left at 1) until 2:30, zombied for a little, ran to grocery, dinner, bed etc. Casper seemed much better in the evening.

Today: me at all-day training for work. Casper went to school okay but got wilty, and when mr. flea went to pick her up early she was running a fever again, so we can't send her tomorrow (she can't go in until no fever for 24 hours, and they know she had a fever at 2pm today.)

Tomorrow: in theory: I go to work at 7:30. mr. flea drops Dillo at the neighbor's (his nanny needing the day off), drops Casper at my work at 9:00, Casper watches a movie or two while I work, Casper and I go home and pick up Dillo by noon. mr. flea will be in Raleigh.

Okay, typing that out it looks insane. We should just cancel the neighbor and I'll call in sick and watch the kids and fuck face time, I'm a goddamn secretary.

I just feel I've been scrambling to keep up at work and at home this week and failing at both. For example, I've been short on milk and needing extra and pumping a spare ounce here and there and just feeling inadequate to coping.

And next week my demanding mother is visiting.

****

The work training was right by the day care, so I went and visited Casper at lunch and pumped in their space rather than ask to use an empty conference room at the training building, and also spent 15 minutes sitting in the infant classroom in which the Dillo is starting in 2 weeks. (Next week "visits," week after, transitional half days, 3rd week full time if that's what we want.) It was quiet, calm, a couple of kids sleeping, a series of diaper changes on the big ones, a few of the smaller ones up and down from sleep. No crying, only 1 or 2 even fussed. Only 1 kid with a booger on the nose. Still made me sad, as several of the (awake) kids went the whole 15 minutes with only minimal attention from the caregivers. Of course, I regularly let the Dillo sit in his bouncy chair while I am on the internet and basically ignore him for 15 minutes, but I guess I fell it's different when I'm ignoring my own kid, eh? Still have no info on the subsidy situation, but basically even if we paid full price for both of them it's cheaper than any other care situation possible right now. Still feeling incredibly guilty, which I never felt when we had a nanny for Casper. That had many hassles (schedules, other people), and was incredibly expensive even shared, but I never felt guilty about the quality of care (love and attention) Casper was getting.