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mr. flea is away for a couple of nights starting today, so I get another (short) run of being the only adult in the house. The last time this happened (November, I think), I was struck by the fact that, despite complications in person-transport mostly ascribable to my continuing inability to drive a car like a reasonable human being, it was in some ways easier to be the only adult in the house.
A friend noted, when I posted this observation elsewhere, that the energy required to communicate with a partner can be its own burden. Communication with a partner as a possible stressor also comes into play in Sandra Tsing Loh's recent editorial (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/24/opinion/24tsingloh.html?ref=opinion). It's not just communication, though - when am the only adult in the house, I HAVE to step up and make everything happen; I have to "bother" to put that energy in. When we're both home, it's too tempting for me to let things slide, hoping mr. flea will pick up the slack, and then when he doesn't read my mind, getting annoyed at him. I am at my lowest ebb of energy in the 4-7pm time slot, and I'm tired, even though my day job is not particularly demanding.
I'm trying to use the current travel event to rethink why some of our evening and weekend routines don't work, and why we have such trouble sharing out the responsibilities for home and child care. An online friend and her husband have a detailed chore chart and system (http://wandsci.blogspot.com/2010/01/housework-logistics.html) that they've managed to continue to make working even through the recent addition of a second child to their household. A chart seems like a good solution for orderly people, and it alleviates the need to spend energy on mundane communication - if it's your night to wash the dishes, I don't even need to think about it.
We've gone through phases in the past of making "housework charts" (even before we had children!) and fell off of them in fairly short order. (I am an orderly list-maker and chart follower; mr. flea is not.) Some of our divisions of labor work for us - I do all the laundry (I LIKE doing laundry) and mr. flea does the trash. Others do not (hello, let me introduce myself - I wash about 80% of the dishes.) Clearly, each of us "bothering" more consistently is a step forward. I want to assess what our routines and patterns are, and appreciate the ones that work. But then we need to think of ways to address some of the ones that don't work.
What works:
menu planning and grocery shopping Sunday mornings
I do laundry; mr. flea does trash
What mostly works:
me entering receipts into Quicken; mr. flea paying online bills (not working - I have to remind him to pay the bills, so it's always on my mind anyway)
I do dishes & supervise homework; mr. flea gives baths and distracts Dillo from interfering in homework
I do school-related extracurricular stuff for Casper; he does Dillo (not working - there's nothing much to do for Dillo, and when there is, I have to ask and remind)
What doesn't work:
I do all housecleaning unless I ask mr. flea to do something. He's gotten wise to the fact that if I am in a bad mood in the weekend, it would behoove him to clean a toilet, but this is a once-every-6-weeks solution - our house needs more attention than that.
I do pretty much any planning of anything (travel, home repairs, medical stuff, summer camp, purchases, etc. unless it only involves mr. flea - like his work travel - or involves a visit to or from his family.) I don't like doing it all myself, but trying to include mr. flea has not worked very well.
A friend noted, when I posted this observation elsewhere, that the energy required to communicate with a partner can be its own burden. Communication with a partner as a possible stressor also comes into play in Sandra Tsing Loh's recent editorial (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/24/opinion/24tsingloh.html?ref=opinion). It's not just communication, though - when am the only adult in the house, I HAVE to step up and make everything happen; I have to "bother" to put that energy in. When we're both home, it's too tempting for me to let things slide, hoping mr. flea will pick up the slack, and then when he doesn't read my mind, getting annoyed at him. I am at my lowest ebb of energy in the 4-7pm time slot, and I'm tired, even though my day job is not particularly demanding.
I'm trying to use the current travel event to rethink why some of our evening and weekend routines don't work, and why we have such trouble sharing out the responsibilities for home and child care. An online friend and her husband have a detailed chore chart and system (http://wandsci.blogspot.com/2010/01/housework-logistics.html) that they've managed to continue to make working even through the recent addition of a second child to their household. A chart seems like a good solution for orderly people, and it alleviates the need to spend energy on mundane communication - if it's your night to wash the dishes, I don't even need to think about it.
We've gone through phases in the past of making "housework charts" (even before we had children!) and fell off of them in fairly short order. (I am an orderly list-maker and chart follower; mr. flea is not.) Some of our divisions of labor work for us - I do all the laundry (I LIKE doing laundry) and mr. flea does the trash. Others do not (hello, let me introduce myself - I wash about 80% of the dishes.) Clearly, each of us "bothering" more consistently is a step forward. I want to assess what our routines and patterns are, and appreciate the ones that work. But then we need to think of ways to address some of the ones that don't work.
What works:
menu planning and grocery shopping Sunday mornings
I do laundry; mr. flea does trash
What mostly works:
me entering receipts into Quicken; mr. flea paying online bills (not working - I have to remind him to pay the bills, so it's always on my mind anyway)
I do dishes & supervise homework; mr. flea gives baths and distracts Dillo from interfering in homework
I do school-related extracurricular stuff for Casper; he does Dillo (not working - there's nothing much to do for Dillo, and when there is, I have to ask and remind)
What doesn't work:
I do all housecleaning unless I ask mr. flea to do something. He's gotten wise to the fact that if I am in a bad mood in the weekend, it would behoove him to clean a toilet, but this is a once-every-6-weeks solution - our house needs more attention than that.
I do pretty much any planning of anything (travel, home repairs, medical stuff, summer camp, purchases, etc. unless it only involves mr. flea - like his work travel - or involves a visit to or from his family.) I don't like doing it all myself, but trying to include mr. flea has not worked very well.
