snow!

Mar. 1st, 2009 01:49 pm
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On chocolate-covered dates, a gift from a neighbor just back from Dubai: Dillo, "It's like a giant raisin!"

We've got about an inch of heavy wet snow over two days' worth of steady rain (there's a small lake in our back yard.) It's still coming down steadily, and it's not supposed to get above freezing until mid-day tomorrow, so all bets are, no school tomorrow.

This is how Casper feels about it:
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The weaning has occurred. Casper was a whining mass of jealousy at the mall yesterday, and covets and appropriates Dillo's new bunny. Dillo has asked to nurse multiple times, and cried angrily at several times (including the middle of the night) but we made it through okay.
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Dillo is suddenly full of rambunctious, physical, boy energy. He's been a bit of a runner for a bit - not reliably, but occasionally just dashes off in public - so I worry a lot in parking lots and tend to carry him. He's also loved to run laps around the house. But suddenly he's doing a lot of punching and in-your-face physical stuff, and reacting to action scenes on TV or even in books (Curious George Rides a Bike, yesterday - not exactly a race car book) with boy-like Zooooom! and Whoooosh! and so forth. I hope he is getting enough outside time at school (not today, it is pouring rain) and we need to work at getting him not just outside but running.

I'm ready to wean him, and we plan to sit him down and tell him so today. The Mall of Georgia has a Build a Bear Workshop store - which is where Casper picked out her purple pony the day she was weaned - so I think it will be nice to repeat the tradition and do the same with Dillo. I am hoping by telling the story of Casper's weaning we will be able to include her in the process and and also make him feel less like this is something happening to him and more like it is a family transition to be celebrated. We'll see. I'm not sure if we should set a date of this weekend (the mall is open Sunday afternoon; we have commitments already on Saturday) or wait another week. Kids (even Casper, still) seem really to have no sense of time passing, but would it help to talk about it for more than 4 days to prepare him?

Part of the reason I'm feeling some urgency to wean is he'll have to be potty-trained by this summer (for day care, to move to the 3-4 year old room), and we have not begun. I got him to sit on the little potty, but not pee, the other day; he refuses to sit on the toilet because he is scared (he told me I would flush him down the drain!) Once the weaning is done, we can pull out the books and start talking about potty in earnest. I hope warmer weather and no-pants will help too. Need some Daddy examples.
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Dillo is two and 4.5 months now - almost exactly the age I weaned Casper. I've been ready to be done with nursing for at least 6 months now, but he is so not ready. He LOVES nursing. He doesn't ask for it a lot during the day, and if he does he generally accepts the explanation that we nurse at bedtime. (If he does nap during the day, I do usually nurse him down for that.) But he expects to nurse at bedtime, and if he wakes during the night (he increasingly doesn't), and at wake-up. (We have a terrible thing going on right now where he sleeps through until 4:30 or 5, then nurses for as long as I'll let him, then is awake for an hour. If I can wait out the hour he'll go back to sleep for an hour or two; occasionally we get up for the day. The timing is sucky for work schedules, though - this morning he was up from 5-6, then fell asleep, so I had to wake him at 7 and he was a disaster to get ready.)

After I weaned Casper she spent the next six months unable to fall asleep except with her finger in my belly button. Dillo's apparent ready replacement for nursing is going to be putting a hand on my breast and going to sleep that way - sometimes when I make him stop nursing he'll ask for that. I am SO NOT going to have him falling asleep with a hand on my breast for the next six months.

I'm not sure how I'm going to manage this, but it needs to end soon. He's just not going to like it.
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Reposted from a comment on another's locked post:

I thought co-sleeping was kind of an affected hippie thing to do before I had kids. Then Casper wouldn't sleep unless being held at about 2 months, and we decided that instead of dozing semi-upright on the futon in her room holding her, we might get more sleep lying down in a bed holding her. mr. flea was very concerned about safety, but I actually still slept rather badly with her in the bed, as I was hyper-aware of her presence and woke at every snort. We moved her out to a crib at about 9 months, when she was waking wanting to nurse every hour, and then spent the next year traipsing down the hall to comfort her in the wee hours. At about 21 months we moved her to a double bed futon on the floor and one of us would lie with her until she fell asleep. For most of the year she was 2 (much of which I was pregnant) mr. flea actually spent the whole night in her bed, since he'd fall asleep trying to get her to sleep. At about 3.5 she moved to a single bed and now nearly always sleeps through by herself.

We did try the cry-it-out method with Casper on several occasions (ages 9 months-2 years). It was not a good solution for us - she was stubborn and angry, and I was in agony.

With Dillo I decided to co-sleep from the get-go, and I also got him to nurse lying down by about 3 weeks (instead of 4 months with Casper). We kept a pack n play in our bedroom and occasionally he'd go to sleep in that. We moved him out to a crib down the hall at 12 months and mr. flea would ferry him back to nurse in our bed. He's had phases where he's slept nearly through 4 nights out of 7 (slept in his crib until 5am, then nursed in our bed and back to sleep in our bed) and phases, like now, when he spends most of the night in our bed. When we move next week we'll start the futon-on-the-floor thing with him; I hope we are able by the time he's 3 to have him on the lower bunk of Casper's bunk bed.

My philosophy now, and the advice I give new parents is, to try things until you find a sleep solution that gets the most sleep for everyone in the family, and to hell with what other people think. In my house, on any given night I, mr. flea, or Casper may be sleeping on the couch (Casper likes to sleep out there, or sometimes she'll build a nest of pillows in the living room and want to sleep there!), Dillo may be in the crib or in my bed, and I may be sleeping at the foot of my bed because Dillo is too sprawly. I don't tend to talk much about sleeping arrangements to work people, but have found my parenting friends to be non-judgmental. My mother hates the fact that we co-sleep; she considers it a sign of parental weakness and feels it reflects an inability to set boundaries. She sends me articles from the New York Times Style section about co-sleeping with snarky little notes and the addendum "ha ha this is meant as a joke. Please do not be offended."

I am very tired, and probably would have more seriously considered having a third child (I am strongly trending no right now) if my kids had slept through the night in their own cribs by 6 months. But this was the only way to muddle through things that I found I was able to manage. I do think the children's sleep was affected by the fact that I was exclusively breastfeeding and working full time; they wanted and needed (for food) to be close to me in the night when they were infants. Also, I think that humans have a natural tendency to co-sleep - one that, unfortunately, was mostly trained out of me, so I don't find co-sleeping restful.
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I got my period again today, for the first time since September 2005.

Didn't miss it.
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The other day, Dillo finished his wake-up time nursing in our bed, and mr. flea reached over and put a hand on my breast. Dillo got really mad and started hitting him. (We have been having a lot of hitting - whapping, really, as it's diffuse and not painful - when Dillo doesn't get what he wants.)

Just now I was getting dressed and Dillo was sitting on the bed observing. When I took my top off, he said, "HA!" and clasped his hands together under his chin in an anticipatory fashion.

I can't remember if Casper went though this same phase of absolutely adoring my breasts and considering them hers, but I do seem to find it even more amusing since Dillo is a boy.
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I haven't talked about it, because I didn't want to hex myself, but we moved Dillo's crib (the pack n play) into the study on Sunday, and then we actually moved the Dillo into the crib.

He's done okay. I've put him down some nights and mr. flea has put him down some nights. Once I had to let him cry - I lasted 4 minutes, held him for 5, then put him down again and he whimpered but went to sleep. Other times he nurses to sleep or nurses and is so sleepy that when I put him down he doesn't complain. mr. flea lies on the floor with him as he falls asleep.

He's been up at the same times he wants to nurse in the night - generally, 10, 1, 3 and 5, or sometimes just general restlessness after about 3, even if he doesn't want to nurse. I stumble down the hall and nurse him - I wanted to get him adjusted to sleeping in another place, by himself, before messing with the nursing. He's ended the night in bed with me every time so far, either at the 3am if he won't settle or at the 5am, because by that time I am incredibly tired and not thinking very straight.

So, the next step is to send mr. flea to him at 10, and see if he can get him to go back to sleep without nursing. I'd like to get down to 2 wakeups a night; I'm not ready to nightwean him yet, as we only just stopped giving him breastmilk during the day and while I'm working, he simply doesn't nurse much outside of in bed.

Also, maybe move the TV and/or computer out of the study, because I miss SYTYCD and my internets after 7:30pm.
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Casper was uncooperative again this morning. We were going along
pretty well, but when it came time to shut the TV off and get cleaned
up things broke down. After my patience was exhausted, I asked her
to chose between the nice way and the hard way. She chose the hard
way and ended up not liking it very much. She cried all the way to
school.

When it came time to drop her off she got really small and didn't
want to leave my side. Just minutes before as we were pulling in she
was going down her list of my transgressions and exclaiming that she
didn't like me. As she clung to me, I explained to her that I love
her very much even when we aren't getting along. We went back inside
because she wanted to be changed into her bathing suit like the other
kids running around this morning. We cooperated and by the time I
left her things were pretty well patched up. Tough morning just the
same.

In double-barreled ARGH news, the rabbits came back and ate the stems that were left in the picture I posted. They HATE me.

And my stupid breast pump motor stopped working. This is the one I just replaced maybe 4 months ago! I guess Ameda has gone down hill. I like their design better than Medela, but I don't think I'll buy from them again, if it comes to it. I was going to cut down to once a day next week and stop the week after that, but I guess I'll just stop. Miss Jackie says the Dillo is drinking well from a sippy (just water so far), he's eating tons for them, and he's had cottage cheese and ice cream enough that I think cow milk won't be a problem at all. I have enough bottled up to last the week, so we can start next week. Now I just have to watch myself and not start leaking like a maniac at 3pm.

stuff

Mar. 13th, 2007 11:31 am
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1. Medela Pump In Style, borrowed from a friend, works fine. But the sucker is huge and heavy - the pump is built into the carrying bag - and as you may recall I pick up two children, one of whom I carry, and take them home on a bus. So I've put a bid in on ebay for a new Ameda Purely Yours. Word to those in the market - lots of good prices on breast pumps on ebay, and the Ameda can be completely sterilized so it's perfectly safe to share. I should be able to get one for $50 including shipping, I think.

2. I fell to Librarything this morning. I am there under the same name as here. Shaky fist to the timesuck!

3. Poor Dillo was very goopy-eyed this morning. Will the fellow ever be well? The last two nights he has slept worse than ever in his life, basically because he is sick.

4. I slept like crap last night, aside from the Dillo wakeups. I am only barely sick, but when I lie down quietly and try to sleep, breathing makes my throat tickle. I was awake until at least 11 and up for the day by 5.

5. We are having another round of Dissertation Angst (front burner version - it's always there, of course). I am trying to help. The big looming issues are a) money (student loan, parent loan, liquidate some assets?) and b) transition. If he isn't finished by midsummer and confirmed in a job, what to do? I hate to place Casper in school in August and then take her out to move to Ohio in October. But it may happen. Goddamnit.

6. Should go eat something. Have managed to depress myself.

7. Oh! Baby of yesterday named Harrison HerLastName HisLastName. Not sure if he's to be a Harry or what.

goddamnit

Feb. 13th, 2007 09:59 am
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I went to pump and discovered I left a small but key piece of the pump at home. In irony news, last night's La Leche League meeting was "Nursing and working," and I distinctly remember saying how useful it was to have a routine so that you weren't running around in the morning and forgetting things.

Happily I can go home on the bus and get it and be back in half an hour. Still.

Dillo is extra special snotty and was awake about every hour and a half last night. He's a little feverish, too, I think, but we decided to send him to school, as mr. flea has to go to Raleigh today. I hope he sleeps all day.
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So, today I got to work with the pump but without my ID, which I need to get into the lactation room. I called the 4 women who have babies in the building to ask if I could borrow their IDs, but nobody was home at 3 of the calls and at no. 4, she'd been deactivated when she stopped pumping a few months ago. I called the building manager, who I think has access - no answer. I'd normally pump in my office, but my student is here this morning, working in the office, and while I am ballsy about breastfeeding, I could not quite face saying, "James, I know you have never had a cup of coffee, and probably never had an alcoholic drink, and I would bet folding money you have never seen a woman naked in real life. But I need to ask you to leave the office for a few minutes so I can attach a pump to my breasta and make milk."

So I went into my boss' office next door. I put up my do not disturb sign and shut off the light. Why lights off? Well, there is a large glass window in my boss' office, and a student working at a computer about 6 feet away. I sat on the floor in the footwell of her desk and pumped. It felt sort of like what I imagine it feels like to try and have sex in the back seat of a car that is parked in your parents' driveway - they is something important and urgent you want to do, and you do really want to do it, but the circumstances are such that at inoppotune monets you have waves of discovery fear that can be highly inhibiting. (Okay, some people are turned on by discovery fear in sexual situations. For pumping, not a help.)

Anyway, I got my 4 oz and will not be leaking all over the phone interviews that will take up the rest of my day.

In closing I give you The Amazing Adventures of Spit-Up Boy! Now flying, with cape! (Click forward to see the whole sequence.) http://www.flickr.com/photos/casperflea/299339228/
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Last night's La Leche League meeting was on "Nighttime Parenting," and things have been very tired around here, so I've been thinking.

(Incidentally, there was a two-mommies couple at the meeting with their 11 day old daughter, and the non-bio-mom sat for two hours holding the baby and watching her sleep, rapt with love, completely ignoring the whole meeting. I mean, it made me cry to look at her. All anti-gay-parents people should be made to watch a video of this woman.)

This is what I think I've learned about babies and sleep in the past 3 years and 3 months:

-Many breastfed babies, especially those whose mothers work full time, will not spontaneously sleep through the night (defined as from bedtime to morning, at least 8-10 hours) until close to a year old, if that. Some will refuse to take a bottle or a cup and will nurse every 2-3 hours all night. This is one of those things that I rarely see mentioned in breastfeeding books or acknowledged by mothers, but when it comes down to it, people will admit their kid did/does it too. As far as I am concerned, sleep deprivation is the number one argument in favor of formula feeding.

-Despite number one, most babies can be sleep-trained starting at about 3-4 months old, without resorting to crying it out. The key is to respond *slowly* to their needs, giving them a chance to figure out how to deal with them themselves. I sucked at this with Casper, and nursed her every time she peeped in the night, and built a habit that we then had to break violently later on. I let myself get to desperation point with her. I'm trying to get Peter to be more independent in sleep right now, and not doing a great job at it. I think the ideal situation would be for him to sleep in bed with mr. flea, so the closeness of another body would help keep him asleep, but his wakefulness and wiggling wouldn't wake the sound-sleeping mr. flea. Then he could comfort himself during the wiggly phases, and go back to sleep, and I would only come in and nurse him if he was crying/actually hungry. (He is frequently awake and not hungry in the night.) I suppose we could manage this, but it would mean me mostly going to bed with Casper, which means often later than I'd like. And later in the night, moving to the couch.

-Consistency, as with everything in parenting, is so important. And I am so bad at it. I don't know how people do it, though, of course, I would be better at it if I were less tired.

I wish I were a sound sleeper who needed only 6-7 hours of sleep a night, instead of a person likely to be awakened by the quietest sound from a child, likely to lie awake for an hour if woken at 3am or later, and needing 8-9 hours of sleep, and 10 if I can get it. I know people who can happily sleep soundly and enough with their kids in the bed, including night nursing them. I know people who can *sleep through* night nursing. I am not one of these sleepers. I am tired.
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Sadly, it looks like the New York Times is going to add a new dimension to its ongoing "coverage" of The Mommy Wars: breastfeeding. The following article appears today as the top item in the health section: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/13/health/13brea.html?_r=1&8dpc&oref=slogin (requires login.)

It's about the onoing public health campaigns that have gone from not just promoting breastfeeding to actively suggesting it is risky not to breastfeed. Unfortunately, the whole tone of the article is more akin to a Style Section article rather than one in Health. What really got me riled up, though, was that the only breastfeeding mother they interviewed was a stay-at-home mother who described breastfeeding as a "whole lifestyle" and said "my life basically revolves around my kids."

This is my big issue: you don't have to quit your job, stay home with your children, or develop a lifestyle that revolves around them to successfully breastfeed for 6 months. Of course, if you WANT to do those things, go right ahead. But I would like to see the public image of the breastfeeding woman move beyond the stay-at-home mother/lactivist to include the high school student who has in-school child care and can breastfeed between classes; the nurse who works three 12-hour overnight shifts a week and manages to pump anyway; and, say, me, who worked full-time from the time my daughter was 3 months old, and kept nursing her until she was two and a half. With very little sacrifice (well, except for the whole sleep thing, which, let's not talk about that, shall we, and it's not clear to what extent that was associated with breastfeeding, although I think there was some connection.)

A small percentage of women are biologically incapable of breastfeeding, or of producing enough milk, or have some other fundamental mismatch with their child (who also may have biological problems with nursing.) But 30% of women never try to breastfeed. And of those women who do try, the demographic of those who succeed skews towards the wealthy, the white, and the well-educated (with some interesting hiccups - hispanic women are quite likely to breastfeed, *because they live in a culture that supports it.*) The key paragraph in the article is this one:

"Moreover, urging women to breast-feed exclusively is a tall order in a country where more than 60 percent of mothers of very young children work, federal law requires large companies to provide only 12 weeks' unpaid maternity leave and lactation leave is unheard of. Only a third of large companies provide a private, secure area where women can express breast milk during the workday, and only 7 percent offer on-site or near-site child care, according to a 2005 national study of employers by the nonprofit Families and Work Institute."

Indeed. And this paragraph only addresses practical, political and economic obstacles to breastfeeding, not the cultural ones (when your mother says, "it's disgusting; it makes you saggy." When your pediatrician says you have to give the baby formula, because she's 2 days old and hasn't regained her birth weight, but, you know, most mothers haven't had their milk come in on the second day - how the hell was the baby supposed to regain birth weight??). An advertising campaign isn't going to solve this public health problem; the only women who notice it are the wealthy white women who are already, as a rule, on board with the idea that breastfeeding is good; the ones who do it feel smug and the ones who don't or can't feel guilty. What we need is widespread societal change. Get on that, will you, Department of Health and Human Services?

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