flea

One recent summer when we were in MA, Mother and I went out to Woburn to look at the Count Rumford House, where my ancestors lived in the 1900s-1930s. We found some fun newspaper microfims in the Woburn library, but had to leave before we go to the point of checking out local cemeteries.

But, thanks to the wonderful powers of the internets, I have tracked down the family plot! It is in Woodbrook Cemetery in Woburn, right down town on Salem Street. (http://www.yeoldewoburn.net/Woodbrook.htm) The cemetery people have scanned their paper records and made them available online as pdfs, so I was able to discover, after a little poking around, that the family plot was owned by Rev. M G (Melancthon!) Wheeler, my g-g-g-grandfather. It is lot 563, located on "Pilgrim Ave" in the cemetery. Seven people are buried there: Mary W Almy (never heard of her); Frances C P Wheeler, 1-4-1905 (I think my g-g-g-grandmother, Melancthon's wife); John C Almy, 4-30-1906 (never heard of him); Rev M G Wheeler; Caroline P Wheeler; Wm Watson Hill, July 31 1934 (my g-g-grandfather); Frances Wheeler Hill, Apr. 12 1928, (my g-g-grandmother, whose silver I have). So we can go check them out! According to my grandmother, Frances Wheeler Hill was buried under a stone inscribed "She was and is a saint," chosen by her husband, much to the wonderment of the family and congregation. We'll see!

mr. flea and I are on IM trying to work out what travel we will do to see our families in the next little while. We are caught in the trap of living far away from our families, so car travel isn't a practical option. We have 4 people who need plane seats, plus we pretty much need a spare car available at our destination, or a rental. We live 90 minutes from the nearest airport. We have very little vacation time. mr. flea's family wants us to go to Ohio for Easter, at $350 per person, 8 hours travel time (4 in the air, plus travel and check in time at both ends). For a total of 36 hours with his family. We are supposed to go to my half-brother's wedding in NH in May, similar issues, though it is far enough out that we can probably get nonstop flights at a decent price, more like $230 each, and take more time, because of Memorial Day. And my mother threatens to sell the Cape Cod house if we don't come this summer, so we're talking about going the last week of June/first week of July.

I'm just overwhelmed by it right now, and miserable. Imagine if we lived within a 3-4 hour drive of all our family members. Our lives would be so different.

I've honed in on a problem my mother and I have in communication. If I express any problems, anything that's making me unhappy or worried or even mildly ticked off, she feels like it is showing care and affection to tell me what I am doing wrong and try to fix things. I take this "care and affection" as criticism and undue bossiness.

Example today: Mother calls. In the course of everyday chitchat I mention I am having cavities filled this week. It is looming large; I am both dreading it and feeling guilty about it, since the existence of these cavities is exclusively the fault of my poor dental hygiene. But I just mention it along the lines of, "I'm having cavities filled, doesn't that suck? Oh, and maybe I'll plan to have my wisdom teeth pulled while you are here for Spring Break."

She immediately turns to her husband (a dentist, now retired, who did all of my dental care up until about 2002) to get his opinion on the choice to have my wisdom teeth pulled, quizzes me about why I have so many cavities lately, and tells me that I need to brush better and I should consider using an electric toothbrush (which I have tried and cannot stand, and she knows.) What I wanted to hear was the sort of thing a friend would say, more like, "Man, that sucks. I know you hate dentistry. Teeth are hard." I mean, I am a 36 year old woman. I know how often I am supposed to brush my teeth. I do not brush them as often as I should, but it is not from lack of knowledge. I tried to explain to her that her advice was belittling and not respectful of me, using the example, "What if every time you complained about how fat you are getting, I told you that it was simple to stay thin, you just need to exercise and watch what you eat?"

She doesn't get it. She's never gotten it, even when I try to explain to her during times when we are getting along fine that sometimes (let's face it, almost always) when I complain what I want is sympathy, not to be told what I am doing wrong and how she would do it better. (Today she explicitly said, "I haven't had a cavity in years, and I brush faithfully!") I read a book pitched at parents who want to have good relationships with their adult children, and it could be summed up in one sentence: Do not give them advice or critique their actions; respect them as adults. I considered sending my mother the book, but I felt like even if she read it, she'd never get it.

Do you think there's any hope for her to change? My coping strategy at this point is to try to be exclusively positive about everything when I talk to my mother (I never complain about the children any more - learned that lesson!), but like today, sometimes fairly innocuous communication turns into How Mother Knows Best. And I don't like the omit/lie strategy - it's like admitting I can never have a positive relationship with my mother. If she won't change, what can I do to minimize my feeling disrespected and criticized when she does this?

Remember Dotty Aunt Nancy, who wrote me a jolly Easter card full of "you didn't send me a thank-you note" recriminations? Well, a week later I got another card in the mail from her. (Before I had gotten around to writing a thank you note, natch.) Again, in full, because you really have to get the entire sweep of the thing:

Please accept my apology [these three words underlined in RED!] - I went through some old mail (trying to get organized & throwing out tons of paper products, letters & clippings. I love personal mail & can't bear to depart [sic] with old correspondence. I have letters my father wrote me 55 yrs ago - I reread my dead friends letters too - it keeps them alive in my memory - Anyway I found your nice Thank-You note you wrote Nov. 2006 [yes, Dillo was born in July, but I'm pretty sure she didn't send the neck until fall] for the check for [Dillo] - then Bill went through some old E-mails and found a line from you saying you did get the cup from [my mother] [frankly, Bill having been married to Nancy for 60 years he may have simply made this up to satisfy her as I don't recall sending an email] - I still would like to have a picture of [Dillo] holding the cup. Maybe even [Casper] holding her cup too. [Dillo] will be two this summer late July or Aug?? Spring is here & I am finally over my 3 wk virus. [Her daughter & SIL] are in Sicily for 1 week.

Have not heard from [my mother] in weeks - if you talk to her, ask her to let me know of [my granbdfather's] recovery. We would like to know how he is doing & if he is driving again??

I hope your job is interesting & that [mr. flea] is enjoying his studies. Will you remain in the south or go where the job develops? We really enjoyed seeing [Vee] and [our brother] again last Oct. in Boston. We liked [my mother and her husband's] home. Good wishes to you.

Phew. While Dotty Aunt Nancy can be trying, on balance I do find it amusing having a relative who is, essentially, a character out of a Victorian novel.

For the record: twenty months is a difficult age to travel by air, especially when the child is flying as a lap child. It is also a difficult age to sit through a 1.5 hour Catholic mass. These events were basically our yesterday. Other highlights included Dillo shouting "AIRPLANE" whenever he saw one (since we were at an airport and/or on an airplane, this was often), Casper spilling a full cup of apple juice into her skirt while on the plane, and Dillo popping up over the back of the seat to shout "HEWWOW!" at our neighbors. Also we saw deer at the airport parking lot.

We had 6 inches of snow on Friday night (yay); a complete and total love-fest between Casper and her cousin Ryan, who is 9; swimming in the pool at the hotel; Dillo eating yo-yo for breakfast all by himself; a lot of whining by cousin Erin, who is 5 and having some kind of phase; and, of course, more Turbo-Toddler. In general Casper was a delight to be with the entire trip, and Dillo was charming yet exhausting.

I need a vacation. Am having second breakfast and hoping cup 2 of coffee will help make the day happen.

I have two first cousins - our fathers are brothers - who were born and raised in Montreal. Both are girls, aged 26 and 23 or so at this writing. They are/were both star university-level hockey players. The elder holds the current record at McGill for number of goals scored in her liftime as a player, and the younger seems to be currently playing and also a high-scorer, so I guess they're both forwards. They're both mid-sized women, maybe 5'7" and don't appear to be bruisers when you meet them.

The idea of anyone sharing that many genes with me being that sporty in that kind of a sport just sort of boggles me. I am so unsporty, and if I were sporty, I can only imagine myself being, I don't know, an orienteering champion or something.

Sadly, despite some speculation that she might be tapped, the elder is not on the 2006 Olympic roster for Canada.

Yes, my branch of the family is the underachieveing one.