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fleaLast night's La Leche League meeting was on "Nighttime Parenting," and things have been very tired around here, so I've been thinking.
(Incidentally, there was a two-mommies couple at the meeting with their 11 day old daughter, and the non-bio-mom sat for two hours holding the baby and watching her sleep, rapt with love, completely ignoring the whole meeting. I mean, it made me cry to look at her. All anti-gay-parents people should be made to watch a video of this woman.)
This is what I think I've learned about babies and sleep in the past 3 years and 3 months:
-Many breastfed babies, especially those whose mothers work full time, will not spontaneously sleep through the night (defined as from bedtime to morning, at least 8-10 hours) until close to a year old, if that. Some will refuse to take a bottle or a cup and will nurse every 2-3 hours all night. This is one of those things that I rarely see mentioned in breastfeeding books or acknowledged by mothers, but when it comes down to it, people will admit their kid did/does it too. As far as I am concerned, sleep deprivation is the number one argument in favor of formula feeding.
-Despite number one, most babies can be sleep-trained starting at about 3-4 months old, without resorting to crying it out. The key is to respond *slowly* to their needs, giving them a chance to figure out how to deal with them themselves. I sucked at this with Casper, and nursed her every time she peeped in the night, and built a habit that we then had to break violently later on. I let myself get to desperation point with her. I'm trying to get Peter to be more independent in sleep right now, and not doing a great job at it. I think the ideal situation would be for him to sleep in bed with mr. flea, so the closeness of another body would help keep him asleep, but his wakefulness and wiggling wouldn't wake the sound-sleeping mr. flea. Then he could comfort himself during the wiggly phases, and go back to sleep, and I would only come in and nurse him if he was crying/actually hungry. (He is frequently awake and not hungry in the night.) I suppose we could manage this, but it would mean me mostly going to bed with Casper, which means often later than I'd like. And later in the night, moving to the couch.
-Consistency, as with everything in parenting, is so important. And I am so bad at it. I don't know how people do it, though, of course, I would be better at it if I were less tired.
I wish I were a sound sleeper who needed only 6-7 hours of sleep a night, instead of a person likely to be awakened by the quietest sound from a child, likely to lie awake for an hour if woken at 3am or later, and needing 8-9 hours of sleep, and 10 if I can get it. I know people who can happily sleep soundly and enough with their kids in the bed, including night nursing them. I know people who can *sleep through* night nursing. I am not one of these sleepers. I am tired.
(Incidentally, there was a two-mommies couple at the meeting with their 11 day old daughter, and the non-bio-mom sat for two hours holding the baby and watching her sleep, rapt with love, completely ignoring the whole meeting. I mean, it made me cry to look at her. All anti-gay-parents people should be made to watch a video of this woman.)
This is what I think I've learned about babies and sleep in the past 3 years and 3 months:
-Many breastfed babies, especially those whose mothers work full time, will not spontaneously sleep through the night (defined as from bedtime to morning, at least 8-10 hours) until close to a year old, if that. Some will refuse to take a bottle or a cup and will nurse every 2-3 hours all night. This is one of those things that I rarely see mentioned in breastfeeding books or acknowledged by mothers, but when it comes down to it, people will admit their kid did/does it too. As far as I am concerned, sleep deprivation is the number one argument in favor of formula feeding.
-Despite number one, most babies can be sleep-trained starting at about 3-4 months old, without resorting to crying it out. The key is to respond *slowly* to their needs, giving them a chance to figure out how to deal with them themselves. I sucked at this with Casper, and nursed her every time she peeped in the night, and built a habit that we then had to break violently later on. I let myself get to desperation point with her. I'm trying to get Peter to be more independent in sleep right now, and not doing a great job at it. I think the ideal situation would be for him to sleep in bed with mr. flea, so the closeness of another body would help keep him asleep, but his wakefulness and wiggling wouldn't wake the sound-sleeping mr. flea. Then he could comfort himself during the wiggly phases, and go back to sleep, and I would only come in and nurse him if he was crying/actually hungry. (He is frequently awake and not hungry in the night.) I suppose we could manage this, but it would mean me mostly going to bed with Casper, which means often later than I'd like. And later in the night, moving to the couch.
-Consistency, as with everything in parenting, is so important. And I am so bad at it. I don't know how people do it, though, of course, I would be better at it if I were less tired.
I wish I were a sound sleeper who needed only 6-7 hours of sleep a night, instead of a person likely to be awakened by the quietest sound from a child, likely to lie awake for an hour if woken at 3am or later, and needing 8-9 hours of sleep, and 10 if I can get it. I know people who can happily sleep soundly and enough with their kids in the bed, including night nursing them. I know people who can *sleep through* night nursing. I am not one of these sleepers. I am tired.
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the infamous YMMV factor
Date: 2006-11-14 06:18 pm (UTC)Sorry about the tiredness. It sucks, it really does. I hope you can work something out and that Dillo co-operates.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-14 07:42 pm (UTC)Squeaky is on about half formula and half breast-milk (he's such an impatient and violent nurser, we're both happier this way). He sees me all goddamn day. And a typical night for him goes 4, 2, 1.5, 1 (in hours, obviously). And I typically don't feed him until he's grunting and wiggling and pounding on my back. We did buy the No-Cry Sleep Solution and we'll get around to putting together a plan soon, but color me skeptical.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-14 09:34 pm (UTC)I hope things with Dillo get better.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-15 01:49 am (UTC)Matilda is consistently sleeping between 2 and 4 hours at a stretch and several times a night will wake non-hungry and then self-soothe back to sleep, but I'm in a constant state of shame at how poorly I deal with even those few wake-ups -- being jolted up at dark-thirty from mid-dream is so physically unpleasant it comes close to triggering a vomit response. And she's developed a horrible habit of filling up on one breast and refusing the other (which is leaking through the pad, the bra, the nightgown, and all over the bed) until finally (after literally 20-30 minutes of trying to rouse her) I give up, re-swaddle her, and turn the light out, at which point she screeches in ravenous rage and I almost throw up again (and so badly want to pitch either her or myself out the window) (and it's never predictable -- sometimes she'll submit peacefully and drop right off to sleep, but when the rageful wail comes it is like a needle in my heart). I feel like Incompetent!Shit!Mom.
It's just boggling. Even when the baby is doing it right and growing and thriving, breastfeeding is still so emotionally fraught. And the tired, oh God, the tired.
Sending you and Dillo (and Casper) much, much sleep/feeding-coordination-ma.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-15 12:14 pm (UTC)On the plus side, re: leaking, you clearly do not have undersupply issues... I had some problems with oevrsupply, and if you think you might, check this out: http://www.lalecheleague.org/FAQ/oversupply.html I found it very helpful with the Dillo.