social insecurity and parenting
Oct. 29th, 2005 12:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fleaOkay, I am coming to grips with what I forsee will be my nemesis as a parent - social anxiety, for myself, and on behalf of my kid (whether or not she's actually anxious doesn't seem to matter). Lots of other parts of parenthood are hard - some lots harder than this, like the brutal schedule of a newborn and the joys of 15 months of compounded sleep deprivation - but this one hits me in a bad small little place inside me.
Today's trigger was, we ventured outside to drop off a check at a neighbor's, then either walk to the East Campus library and borrow Ghostbusters, or go to the park, or both. Since the park is across the street from our house, it was immediately clear that there were lot of people we knew there. We dropped our letter next door to the park and went in. I quickly saw that everyone was there for a birthday party - there were craft supplies and goody bags and presents and charcoal for grilling. I had at least met everyone there, and some of them are people that we see all the time at the park. But we hadn't been invited. I can guess whose birthday it is, and we don't know the family very well, so we wouldn't have expected to be invited, but on the other hand here they were in a public park across the street from my house on a sunny Saturday morning with kids Casper plays with at the park all the time. I collected Casper and suggested we walk to the library, and she came happily enough - too young to pick up any vibe, and I got us out of there quickly enough that she didn't protest. Nobody spoke to me.
(They didn't have Ghostbusters in, so we got My Dinner With Andre and Adam's Rib, neither of which I've seen and neither of which mr. flea will want to watch.)
Now, I know I'm being irrational to feel so rejected, on behalf of myself and my kid. But damn I feel like the dorkiest kid in 3rd grade. And I can see that I'm going to be feeling this way for the next, oh, 16 years plus. I do feel sad that I am so bad at making close friends, but in general I get as much social contact as I need between work, casual park friendships, and my invisible friends on the internet. I am a person of limited social energy and much shyness. But this is the double whammy of "they don't like me and they don't like my baby either!" I have to figure out how to avoid projecting my own insecurity on my child - it's not written that she'll grow up as devoid of social skills or as incapable of intimacy as me, and even if she is, it's not written that she'll care. I have to let her develop her own social personality. But I know mine will be a problem as we go forward.
Of course, it's quite ironic to feel this way since we have an unusually social weekend scheduled - this afternoon to a housewarming, tomorrow a child's birthday party and then a baby shower - the last of which takes place in the same park across the street, and to which I doubt any of the people we saw today are invited!
Today's trigger was, we ventured outside to drop off a check at a neighbor's, then either walk to the East Campus library and borrow Ghostbusters, or go to the park, or both. Since the park is across the street from our house, it was immediately clear that there were lot of people we knew there. We dropped our letter next door to the park and went in. I quickly saw that everyone was there for a birthday party - there were craft supplies and goody bags and presents and charcoal for grilling. I had at least met everyone there, and some of them are people that we see all the time at the park. But we hadn't been invited. I can guess whose birthday it is, and we don't know the family very well, so we wouldn't have expected to be invited, but on the other hand here they were in a public park across the street from my house on a sunny Saturday morning with kids Casper plays with at the park all the time. I collected Casper and suggested we walk to the library, and she came happily enough - too young to pick up any vibe, and I got us out of there quickly enough that she didn't protest. Nobody spoke to me.
(They didn't have Ghostbusters in, so we got My Dinner With Andre and Adam's Rib, neither of which I've seen and neither of which mr. flea will want to watch.)
Now, I know I'm being irrational to feel so rejected, on behalf of myself and my kid. But damn I feel like the dorkiest kid in 3rd grade. And I can see that I'm going to be feeling this way for the next, oh, 16 years plus. I do feel sad that I am so bad at making close friends, but in general I get as much social contact as I need between work, casual park friendships, and my invisible friends on the internet. I am a person of limited social energy and much shyness. But this is the double whammy of "they don't like me and they don't like my baby either!" I have to figure out how to avoid projecting my own insecurity on my child - it's not written that she'll grow up as devoid of social skills or as incapable of intimacy as me, and even if she is, it's not written that she'll care. I have to let her develop her own social personality. But I know mine will be a problem as we go forward.
Of course, it's quite ironic to feel this way since we have an unusually social weekend scheduled - this afternoon to a housewarming, tomorrow a child's birthday party and then a baby shower - the last of which takes place in the same park across the street, and to which I doubt any of the people we saw today are invited!
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no subject
Date: 2005-10-29 05:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-29 07:37 pm (UTC)I hope you find Ghostbusters soon, because we watched it again last night with LB and it held up much better than I remembered. Mostly because Bill Murray is sex on a stick.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-29 08:37 pm (UTC)Had you gone to the park instead, chances are Casper might have started playing with some of the party kids, and there might have been a moment of social awkwardness, or you might have been offered a piece of cake and a chance to chat.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-31 04:39 pm (UTC)If she were more like me, maybe it would be easier because she'd be quieter and I'd be less paranoid about her running off to someone and making the international "uppy!" motion and then getting carried off.
My mom was one of the more social, outgoing kids, and she never had a clue about what it was like to not be a social,outgoing kid. I still have grade school report cards that invite her to start setting up playdates for me to give me more socialization time.
You're a good mom, and your sunshine is lucky to have you in her corner. Big hugs.