I actually was in the proces of editting my post when you responded. Here's what I wrote:
eta: The "why" got erased the first time... I have definitely approached parenting ELlie as "what would work on me" and I know that I was a headstrong/defiant/strong-willed child who really excelled when the boundaries/rules were clear. So, for me, I know I would not be happy if I could always negotiate with my parents. I can't say if I'm imposing myself on Ellie or if she is just that way too, but so far, it seems to work well with her.
Oh, and one more bit about negotiation from my perspective. I don't think "we can't watch Nemo now, but we can after dinner" is negotiation. To me, it's not because I, as the parent, am getting what I need out of the situation - namely, we aren't watching Nemo now for whatever reason. Perhaps it lets her feel like she's winning something if I let her watch after dinner, but the point is that we are following my rules - no Nemo during dinner. So maybe I'm not as anti-negotiation as I thought, but, as I said above, I try to impose the least restrictive rulepossible, but I try to be ironclad about following them.
In response to what you just wrote, you already have at least 2 years of parenting experience on me, so I don't know what this is worth, but I would suggest starting with "time to stop playing in 2 minutes" and then giving her the extra time. Or starting with "you must eat what is on your plate" but only putting what you think she really should eat on there. I feel a bit preachy about this and I'm sorry if it comes off that way, but I think that it's better for kids to know the boundaries going into the situation instead of changing the boundaries as you go.
RIght now, Joe has a habit of telling Ellie "finish what's on your plate" before she leaves the table. I think this is unnecessary because she eats very well and we frequently give her a lot of food or she's on her second helping. But when he says that to her, I tell him he has to follow through now - either she eats it or they do a time out or no dessert or something because otherwise his words are empty and she knows she doesn't have to listen to him next time.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 06:52 pm (UTC)eta: The "why" got erased the first time... I have definitely approached parenting ELlie as "what would work on me" and I know that I was a headstrong/defiant/strong-willed child who really excelled when the boundaries/rules were clear. So, for me, I know I would not be happy if I could always negotiate with my parents. I can't say if I'm imposing myself on Ellie or if she is just that way too, but so far, it seems to work well with her.
Oh, and one more bit about negotiation from my perspective. I don't think "we can't watch Nemo now, but we can after dinner" is negotiation. To me, it's not because I, as the parent, am getting what I need out of the situation - namely, we aren't watching Nemo now for whatever reason. Perhaps it lets her feel like she's winning something if I let her watch after dinner, but the point is that we are following my rules - no Nemo during dinner. So maybe I'm not as anti-negotiation as I thought, but, as I said above, I try to impose the least restrictive rulepossible, but I try to be ironclad about following them.
In response to what you just wrote, you already have at least 2 years of parenting experience on me, so I don't know what this is worth, but I would suggest starting with "time to stop playing in 2 minutes" and then giving her the extra time. Or starting with "you must eat what is on your plate" but only putting what you think she really should eat on there. I feel a bit preachy about this and I'm sorry if it comes off that way, but I think that it's better for kids to know the boundaries going into the situation instead of changing the boundaries as you go.
RIght now, Joe has a habit of telling Ellie "finish what's on your plate" before she leaves the table. I think this is unnecessary because she eats very well and we frequently give her a lot of food or she's on her second helping. But when he says that to her, I tell him he has to follow through now - either she eats it or they do a time out or no dessert or something because otherwise his words are empty and she knows she doesn't have to listen to him next time.