flea

Part of it may be the sheer size of my breasts. The pump actually grabs the areola like it's supposed to, while even with a good latch Annabel wasn't. And I think another factor is my mild sensory integration dysfunction. I don't know if you were following Bitches when I posted about it a few months ago, but the simplified version is that I'm easily overstimulated, and specifically am often overwhelmed by too much touch. When I was pregnant it got so bad that I didn't want anyone to touch me at all, ever, in any way. It's better now, but nursing still came close to my "feeling overwhelmed, must panic" threshold. There's no way I could've done it without nipple shields, which were supposed to be only a temporary crutch to deal with inverted nipples, but the mere fact of having the nipple shields was probably hurting my milk supply.

It was the intensification of symptoms while I was pregnant that made me realize I had this problem, so there wasn't enough time to get treatment before Annabel was born. I'm committed to getting therapy and fixing (or at least moderating) these issues, but meanwhile I just have to figure out how to be the best mother I can with who I am now. And so a big part of my decision about nursing, though I left it unsaid on Bitches because it just seemed too personal for such a public forum, was that by avoiding a type of touch that was just too much for my screwed-up easily overstimulated brain to cope with, I put myself in a position where I'm comfortable and happy to give Annabel the overall affection and cuddling she needs and deserves.