Anyone got a recommendation? I don't want to look tan, just not, like, hurt people.

Being of Irish extraction, I share your blinding-whiteness. My suggestion would be to buy a couple of small containers. I tried this last year and discovered after three days that I was allergic to the cream--and it was Nutrogena!--and ended up with itchy (VERY ITCHY) legs for weeks as a result. Oy. I'm very worried now about trying it again, although I would like not to be blinding white.